Thursday, April 21, 2011

What is my motivation?


Why am I working on losing weight? I used to say its because I don't want to be fat.  Although I am still big, I don't necessarily see myself as fat anymore.  So why do I want to keep going? I am not satisfied where I am at and I know that I have so much more potential if I keep going, I just have to find my "why". 

After having a conversation with my trainer about my lack of motivation she gave me some advice.  First, get rid of my scale.  That number many times hangs over my head and putting that number in my face every week is not encouraging me to keep going.  So I put my scale under my bed.  Even though I didn't get rid of it, I have put it in a place where I can not easily jump on and check myself.  Next, I know what I need to do, food and exercise wise, so it is just a matter of doing it no matter what.

The thing about our conversation that had the most impact for me though was she told me, if I can't find what it is inside me that I want to keep going for, then keep going for her.  WOAH, so if that isn't a kick in the pants I don't know what one is!!  I know, especially if you read this blog, that you have some sort of connection to me or find inspiration by my story. I never truly connected that my "cheerleaders" can be my motivation to not quit.  So in as much as I inspire and motivate you, I am using you all as my motivation.  Now that is accountability!!



I am sure once I get my head back in the game and on track I will be able to find more goals to strive for and reach.  For now though, I am going for you, because you see me as an inspiration and I don't want to let you down.  I have gotten so many  "you go girl", "keep it up" and other words of encouragement... so I am gonna do just that... keep it up!! One foot in front of the other, and soon I will be back running and inspiring more to join me

And just as another motivator to keep one foot in front of the other, I decided to get a new pair of running shoes to inspire me to get out there again and run!  So here's to new motivation, new beginnings and new shoes!! :)


Monday, April 18, 2011

Shut your face!!

I go in spurts on writing here.  I sit down and start writing a post but never finish it.  Once I finish one though I get so inspired to keep writing and coming up with other ideas to write about. Maybe I should force myself to keep writing... maybe that will bring me more motivation to get back on track. :)

This past weekend was my first weigh in at boot camp in 3 weeks.  I had missed the first 2 weigh ins because of work and illness.  When I stepped on the scale it showed an 8 pound weight gain!  It was so hard to see those number pop up on the scale that I had gained so much weight.  It really goes to show how much just slacking off a little can affect everything.  I was still going to personal training sessions once a week and boot camp 3 times a week and yet I gained weight! 



Like I said in my previous post though I can not blame anyone but myself for the results on the scale.  I think we tend to quickly point fingers to the things around us as an excuse though instead of looking at ourselves first.  True, there are circumstances in life where we have no control over and we have to deal with it all anyway.  No matter what though, we have to look at the hands we are dealt and deal with it.  The way we perceive life and situations and the way we deal with it is more important than what we hold in our hands.  

"Shut your face" is a phrase, that if you know me personally, comes out of my mouth on a regular occasion. It is usually said in a joking matter, and it makes people laugh.  I however need to tell myself to "shut my face" when it comes to my excuses.  Working out isn't as simple as it used to be and I have to push myself more to get results. I caught myself saying "its harder that way" when my form was corrected during boot camp.  I try and justify eating crappy because I workout.  I need to shut myself up and stop making excuses. 

Today was my first day to get back on the "wagon".  I packed my meals for the day and set off to work.  I can not say that it was like getting back on a bicycle, it is more like running after a sabbatical.  I knew I could eat my meals every 2 1/2 hours like I had done in the past but it was hard to push myself to make it that far.  I did however survive my first day.  I even pushed myself to work a little harder at my personal training session tonight, and the sweat on my shirt was a testament of my hard work.  All in all it felt good to be getting myself back on track. 



I by no means am a poster child for weight loss.  It is hard, it sucks at times and it makes me wanna quit sometimes.  I think though that through the hard times is when I learn the most.  Its the times where I says "I wanna quit" is the time when I need to push myself the hardest.  Its getting harder and it is going to keep getting harder for me to reach my goals.  I just have to tell myself "shut your face, and big fat get over it!!" I will not achieve anything making excuses! 

Thursday, April 14, 2011

True Confession Time!

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                         I suck when it comes to eating healthy!   I did really well for a while on follow the eat clean diet until I went on vacation.   Since I have come back though I can not seem to get myself motivated to jump back on board. In addition I have also seem to have lost motivation to really push myself with working out.

If it weren't for boot camp and my friends encouraging me to keep going I really have felt the urge to quit all together.  Because I am not giving myself 100% the scale is at a stand still which is frustrating me.  I do have to admit though part of my not giving diet and exercise as much of a commitment as I have had before is because I do have a really special guy in my life whom I like to spend my extra time with :)

The eating part always has been a struggle for me.  Portion control is a concept I have a hard time grasping, and usually do okay if I portion things out individually.  If I go out to eat though or eat family style the concept of portions seem ridiculous and makes me feel even more hungry thinking about what food I might miss out on because my portions won't allow me to eat it all.

                                                                                                                                                                      I have been eating out a lot more too.  Partly due to the new man in my life.  I can't blame him for it though because there are always healthier choices to chose.  Also I could chose to eat the lunch I brought to work instead of running to one of the many near by fast food joints for a fat laden, processed meat, throw some lettuce on it and call it healthy, lunch!!

I have so many goals that I want to accomplish this year with my life and so far I have not made progress in achieving them.  I find myself still struggling with finding who I am outside of being the "fat girl".  I guess I still am afraid that by losing more weight I will become someone different than who I am.  In as much as I don't want to fail at this, I am scared to succeed too.  Always being the "fat girl" I know nothing else, so any progress made forward from here on out, I will be charting unknown territory.

I had a good talk with my friend and workout partner tonight after boot camp about my struggles.  She and I both know I can do a lot better than what I am doing currently.  I am the only one who can change it.  In as much as I can put the frustration back on my personal trainer, health issues, boyfriend, food, it all boils down to my perception and my reaction to it all.  So what am I gonna do about it??


We all fall down and run into obstacles in the road... its the getting up that counts.  So I am getting back up again.  I might be a little more bumped and bruised, but I am brushing off the dirt and tears and moving forward.  I can not fix or take back the missed workouts or bad meals, I can just move on.  One step at a time.  This time I feel I am developing a good group of people around me that will help motivate, encourage and help me be more accountable.  I want to reach my goals and even though it might take me longer than I anticipated I am not giving up!