Running Fat Girl Away

My Reality

2011-12-07T19:31:00.000-05:00

I had not planned on stopping writing on this blog nor had I planned on being in the spot to where I am today but we all have set backs, but its how we respond to the set backs that makes or breaks the situation. I have thought on many occasions about updating the blog but alas I did not want to have another post were I was admitting I was failing. I like to keep it all upbeat and having a positive outlook on things but I have been struggling this past year on keeping that up.

My reality today... I weigh 275 pounds, I no longer fit into my size 16 jeans, my size 18's cut into my stomach so much, creating a muffin top even spanx can't fix! It is hard to admit to myself that I let my guard down and slacked on my discipline but my pants don't lie. I have a few select clothes I can fit into these days because I had given away or sold my old "fat" clothes.

At the end of July I picked up a second job at Target and worked there for 2 weeks. I was then offered a job at Vitamin Shoppe, which was where I first applied when looking for a second job, and I quickly jumped at the chance and quit Target to work at VS. I just completed my 90 days at VS and am totally enjoying working there and learning a ton about vitamins and supplements.

Since picking up the second job though I put on almost 10 pounds! From working 10 hour days at my primary job to then leave there to go directly to my second job for an additional 4 hours, it greatly limited my time. I still continue to workout with my personal trainer on Mondays but that was the only time I was able to get any exercise in during the week.

A month ago in an effort to take charge of my finances, I moved back home with my parents when my lease termed on my apartment. These past 6 months have been a lot to deal with. On top of my 2 jobs, and moving home I still had to find time to fit in some quality time with my amazing boyfriend.

In the past few weeks I have begun to feel like I am getting a rhythm juggling all the things I have going on right now. It took me a while to adjust to everything but I finally feel like I am in a place where things make more since and I don't feel dead dog tired at the end of the day. As I began to resurface to reality, the reality of my weight started weighing really heavy on me. I do not want to go back to where I was, in my weight or in my life.

Today I took the first step into getting back on track... I joined a gym. The gym is 24 hours and close to both were I live and work. So my re-start plan is to go workout in the evenings after I get off my second job on Tuesdays and Thursdays. In as much as the idea of working out in the mornings before I start my first job is ideal, the reality of me actually getting my "not a morning person" booty out of bed that early is pretty far fetched. So I am starting at a place where I know I can do it! Then as I begin to incorporate exercise back into my daily routine I might find another place to interject more fitness.

My reality today... I weight 275 pounds. My reality for tomorrow is I am going to do all that I can to not make that number go any higher and start going in the right direction!!

lessons in life!

2011-07-17T19:15:00.000-04:00

After months of struggling with everything I have begun to lose weight again!! Whoo Hoo!!! I realized when I wrote my last blog post that I still had a lot of things to learn about along my journey, obviously, as my weight had climbed back up to 270 pounds! Over the past few weeks I have come to many personal conclusions.

I realized after the death of my cousin that we really only truly have one life to live and it is up to us how we live it. This began to relate to other aspects in my life besides weight loss, to also include my finances. Now I admit I in the past I had been diligent about money and so forth but in the past 2 or so years I had thrown a monthly budget out the window and, as long as I had money in the bank, I felt I was doing ok. Slowly it became easier to 'defer' payment for instant gratification with a credit card.

I was forced to sit down this past month and seriously take a look at my finances after, a thought to be set plan, was prematurely adjusted at no fault of my own. I sat down and had to go back to each penny spent, categorize, and justify the need. After many revisions of my budget I began to realize the error of my ways. I have a lot of knowledge of how to create and stick to a budget but the knowledge does not good if the information is not applied and the numbers put on paper to show the true cash flow.

In the same way, these past 2 and a half years have expanded my knowledge of fitness, exercise and diet. However, what I have learned does me absolutely no good just sitting in my brain, it has to be applied. So I have begun to bring more strict regiments back into my life.

As of today I am back down to 259 and back on track to losing 100 pounds!! I can also say that having a tight budget has greatly aided in bring my eating and diet under control too. :) I will not be able to keep all the luxuries and things I have had in enjoyed the past. I have made the decision that to continue paying for boot camp classes is not allotted for in my budget, and have begun a search to get a second job to help pay off my debts faster.

It is amazing to me how easy we can cast aside the things we think we have "all under control". This past month has been a hard lesson in the fact that nothing is ever under control!! BUT I am getting on track again with my weight loss and finances and am heading in the right direction. I am thankful that it isn't too late and that I have an opportunity to really turn things around and plan for a much better future!!

Truth...

2011-06-29T00:01:00.000-04:00

Its has been a rough journey lately. A while back I had downloaded a calorie tracking app on my phone but had not really used it honestly. Last week I began to track my food and realized, although I was making 'healthy' decisions I was eating a lot more calories. I though I was consuming around 1200 to 1400 a day when in actuality it was closer to 1700 to 2000!!

In a way I feel as though I had given up on this journey. I talk a good game and can tell you all exactly what I need to do but when it came down to it, I didn't follow through. Yes, I workout 4 days a week regularly but my eating and exercise discipline outside of my structured personal training and boot camp is not there. I have a million excuses to give but it all boils down to the fact that I don't want to do it. I tried running the other day and for some reason felt ridiculous running down the street and gave up, turned around and went back home. Although I can say with some prompting from my friend and my mom, I did sign up and walk the Hog Jog this year again, for tradition sake.

My boyfriend is a great support... almost too good of a support. He loves me at my current size but ultimately he just wants me to be happy. I don't want to be one of those girls who constant looks for acceptance in a relationship over her body size but I want to be confident in who I am and how I look. I am thankful that he understands my struggle with my weight and he does what he can to help me and make me feel better. I am truly blessed to have him in my life.

I recently experienced the death of a cousin that really had me examine things in my life. Although exercise and eating right are important in life, in the end, it doesn't matter the hours spent in the gym or how many salads I ate... its about the people who have been affected by my life. My cousin was only 38 years old but the stories and lives that had been touched by her smile and kind heart fill way more than 38 years.

I say this all the time but this time it is different, I am not giving up... I have been set back, I have gained weight, but I am going to persevere. I don't want this slump to keep me down. It is going to be a slow process to get back to where I was before and it is going to take honesty and dedication to not give into the temptation to throw the towel in... so these first few steps back on track are for my cousin Kim.

back to basics

2011-05-31T20:34:00.000-04:00

This week as I pondered over all the things going on in my life I began to notice a trend. I don't know if it is just me but I tend to over think and over complicate things. My weight loss is a perfect example. At the beginning I was exercising and keeping myself accountable for what I ate. I lost weight and I was happy and proud of it all. As time went on I listened to podcasts, read books and watched shows about tons of weight loss crap hoping to gain more knowledge. So me being the complicated person I am, I took a simple 1+1 equation and began adding tons of variables making it a complete mess.

I am not saying all the variables I tried adding aren't important. At this point in my journey though I think I need to get back to the basics. Its like I began focusing on the variables and not the actual task at hand. I need to get back to remembering 1+1. All this math reference is giving me a headache! :)

It is hard for me to say I have to start back back at the basics. I have accomplished a lot in my weight loss so far but I feel I have forgotten some of the fundamentals that are the foundation. I can say, I am not starting at square one and I am going to keep a positive outlook on it all.

So its time for me to stop sitting on the bench and spinning my wheels. Tomorrow starts a new month June 1 and that is a new beginning. The number on the scale is a fresh start it doesn't matter what I have accomplished or failed in the past. There is going to be some changes I have to make and I can't do it all the same as I did before because my life is different than it was before. I just have to keep it simple and put one foot in front of the other.

"Its not over until you win!" Les Brown

Make it a great day

2011-05-12T09:26:00.000-04:00

My senior year of high school I took a psychology class and at the end of every class my teacher would say something like "make it a great day and do something positive". I struggled a lot in school with a negative self image and depression, to hear, make it a great day, seemed foreign to me back then.

It is amazing to me looking back on my life and see the things I feel I could have changed. The more I reflect on it though, the more I realize, those battles, struggles, and defeats are what has molded me into the person I am today. There is always going to be those thing in our lives where we say "I could have done better" but we can't change what has been, we can only look forward to what will be.

Although it is still a struggle, I am starting to get my groove back. I have had to revamp my schedule to allow time for all the things I enjoy. I am getting my eating and food back on track.

At the finale of the last boot camp, my weigh in showed an 8 pound weight gain in 6 weeks. I am not gonna lie, I was really upset. I shed a few tears of frustration but my friends and boyfriend rallied around me and helped me look beyond my current circumstance and see my future potential.

Today, I chose to make it a great day. Each decision is a choice to do better than I did yesterday. I chose to not focus on my weight or any numbers pertaining to my size. The decisions I make today will be to make today more positive and not to try and make a more positive day in the future. I will not allow the scale to determine my success or failure. It is my choice to chose success or failure no matter what the circumstance in front of me.

So make it a great day and do something positive!!

Step by step

2011-05-02T14:55:00.002-04:00

I have been working on staying on track and have found that I still have to constantly remind myself to keep going. Quitting would be the easy thing to do at this point. With each step forward though, I feel like I am gaining some confidence back.

I went for a run in my new shoes last week and felt pretty good. In my workouts I have been trying to step it up a bit and push myself to not stop during my exercises. When I went for my run last week there as another runner running the same route as me. I felt a little disheartened when he passed me a second time going the same direction as me. I had to remind myself though that I have all you guys motivating me. It doesn't matter that the other runner was twice as fast as me, all that matters is I had my butt outside and I was doing it.

So many times I compare my journey to the people around me. This person lost more weight than me and that person is losing it faster than me. But this is my journey and by comparing myself to what others have accomplished will only hurt me. I can only compare myself to myself. I know what I have accomplished and what I can do to improve. I am fighting my way back into the race and running to make a difference.

By the way, I have yet to get on the scale to check if I have gained or lost any weight. It stresses me out a bit but I need to just focus on making healthy decisions and not let the scale determine my success in the decisions I make.

Thanks everyone for your support, and motivation. I will not let you down, I promise!

P.S. I have had some inquiries about being able to get an e-mail showing when I update my blog. I have found a way to do that so if you are interested there is a link on the left side of the page where you can enter your e-mail address. There will be an e-mail sent to your inbox and once you confirm your e-mail you will receive a direct e-mail with my updated blog posts! Feel free to share with anyone whom you think my story will help motivate and inspire.

What is my motivation?

2011-04-21T20:53:00.001-04:00

Why am I working on losing weight? I used to say its because I don't want to be fat. Although I am still big, I don't necessarily see myself as fat anymore. So why do I want to keep going? I am not satisfied where I am at and I know that I have so much more potential if I keep going, I just have to find my "why".

After having a conversation with my trainer about my lack of motivation she gave me some advice. First, get rid of my scale. That number many times hangs over my head and putting that number in my face every week is not encouraging me to keep going. So I put my scale under my bed. Even though I didn't get rid of it, I have put it in a place where I can not easily jump on and check myself. Next, I know what I need to do, food and exercise wise, so it is just a matter of doing it no matter what.

The thing about our conversation that had the most impact for me though was she told me, if I can't find what it is inside me that I want to keep going for, then keep going for her. WOAH, so if that isn't a kick in the pants I don't know what one is!! I know, especially if you read this blog, that you have some sort of connection to me or find inspiration by my story. I never truly connected that my "cheerleaders" can be my motivation to not quit. So in as much as I inspire and motivate you, I am using you all as my motivation. Now that is accountability!!

I am sure once I get my head back in the game and on track I will be able to find more goals to strive for and reach. For now though, I am going for you, because you see me as an inspiration and I don't want to let you down. I have gotten so many "you go girl", "keep it up" and other words of encouragement... so I am gonna do just that... keep it up!! One foot in front of the other, and soon I will be back running and inspiring more to join me

And just as another motivator to keep one foot in front of the other, I decided to get a new pair of running shoes to inspire me to get out there again and run! So here's to new motivation, new beginnings and new shoes!! :)

Shut your face!!

2011-04-18T21:02:00.000-04:00

I go in spurts on writing here. I sit down and start writing a post but never finish it. Once I finish one though I get so inspired to keep writing and coming up with other ideas to write about. Maybe I should force myself to keep writing... maybe that will bring me more motivation to get back on track. :)

This past weekend was my first weigh in at boot camp in 3 weeks. I had missed the first 2 weigh ins because of work and illness. When I stepped on the scale it showed an 8 pound weight gain! It was so hard to see those number pop up on the scale that I had gained so much weight. It really goes to show how much just slacking off a little can affect everything. I was still going to personal training sessions once a week and boot camp 3 times a week and yet I gained weight!

Like I said in my previous post though I can not blame anyone but myself for the results on the scale. I think we tend to quickly point fingers to the things around us as an excuse though instead of looking at ourselves first. True, there are circumstances in life where we have no control over and we have to deal with it all anyway. No matter what though, we have to look at the hands we are dealt and deal with it. The way we perceive life and situations and the way we deal with it is more important than what we hold in our hands.

"Shut your face" is a phrase, that if you know me personally, comes out of my mouth on a regular occasion. It is usually said in a joking matter, and it makes people laugh. I however need to tell myself to "shut my face" when it comes to my excuses. Working out isn't as simple as it used to be and I have to push myself more to get results. I caught myself saying "its harder that way" when my form was corrected during boot camp. I try and justify eating crappy because I workout. I need to shut myself up and stop making excuses.

Today was my first day to get back on the "wagon". I packed my meals for the day and set off to work. I can not say that it was like getting back on a bicycle, it is more like running after a sabbatical. I knew I could eat my meals every 2 1/2 hours like I had done in the past but it was hard to push myself to make it that far. I did however survive my first day. I even pushed myself to work a little harder at my personal training session tonight, and the sweat on my shirt was a testament of my hard work. All in all it felt good to be getting myself back on track.

I by no means am a poster child for weight loss. It is hard, it sucks at times and it makes me wanna quit sometimes. I think though that through the hard times is when I learn the most. Its the times where I says "I wanna quit" is the time when I need to push myself the hardest. Its getting harder and it is going to keep getting harder for me to reach my goals. I just have to tell myself "shut your face, and big fat get over it!!" I will not achieve anything making excuses!

True Confession Time!

2011-04-14T20:50:00.000-04:00

I suck when it comes to eating healthy! I did really well for a while on follow the eat clean diet until I went on vacation. Since I have come back though I can not seem to get myself motivated to jump back on board. In addition I have also seem to have lost motivation to really push myself with working out.

If it weren't for boot camp and my friends encouraging me to keep going I really have felt the urge to quit all together. Because I am not giving myself 100% the scale is at a stand still which is frustrating me. I do have to admit though part of my not giving diet and exercise as much of a commitment as I have had before is because I do have a really special guy in my life whom I like to spend my extra time with :)

The eating part always has been a struggle for me. Portion control is a concept I have a hard time grasping, and usually do okay if I portion things out individually. If I go out to eat though or eat family style the concept of portions seem ridiculous and makes me feel even more hungry thinking about what food I might miss out on because my portions won't allow me to eat it all.

I have been eating out a lot more too. Partly due to the new man in my life. I can't blame him for it though because there are always healthier choices to chose. Also I could chose to eat the lunch I brought to work instead of running to one of the many near by fast food joints for a fat laden, processed meat, throw some lettuce on it and call it healthy, lunch!!

I have so many goals that I want to accomplish this year with my life and so far I have not made progress in achieving them. I find myself still struggling with finding who I am outside of being the "fat girl". I guess I still am afraid that by losing more weight I will become someone different than who I am. In as much as I don't want to fail at this, I am scared to succeed too. Always being the "fat girl" I know nothing else, so any progress made forward from here on out, I will be charting unknown territory.

I had a good talk with my friend and workout partner tonight after boot camp about my struggles. She and I both know I can do a lot better than what I am doing currently. I am the only one who can change it. In as much as I can put the frustration back on my personal trainer, health issues, boyfriend, food, it all boils down to my perception and my reaction to it all. So what am I gonna do about it??

We all fall down and run into obstacles in the road... its the getting up that counts. So I am getting back up again. I might be a little more bumped and bruised, but I am brushing off the dirt and tears and moving forward. I can not fix or take back the missed workouts or bad meals, I can just move on. One step at a time. This time I feel I am developing a good group of people around me that will help motivate, encourage and help me be more accountable. I want to reach my goals and even though it might take me longer than I anticipated I am not giving up!

Boot Camp?!

2011-02-12T22:17:00.000-05:00

Today was final weigh in for the boot camp I had been doing. An hour workout, 3 times a week for 6 weeks. At the conclusion of the holiday boot camp I was pretty frustrated with my results. I had gained weight and inches!! This time I had told myself that I was going to be the winner of the next boot camp.

I started my nutrition journey to get myself back on track and heading in a good direction. I have been doing pretty well with sticking with the plan. I did slip up here and there... again with the Reece's, this time the hearts instead of the pumpkins :). Not to mention free pizza! But I have to look at the positive. Overall I am really satisfied with my nutrition. My body has adjusted well and it has been good knowing exactly what I am putting into my body. When all I eat is whole foods, that don't come in plastic, cardboard or have nutrition labels, I know exactly what I am consuming. There is no question if the apple I am eating contains added sugar or high fructose corn syrup, its an apple, pure and simple. Now I could go on a huge tangent about processed foods but I will leave that for another day. All I can say is that I am ecstatic with where this nutrition journey has taken me. Not only has my energy improved, I feel less "foggy" and I have even noticed an improvement in my skin and nails!

Last boot camp my friend Lori won and I told her that I was going to win the next one! This time I said from the beginning that I was planning on winning this next boot camp. We had recruited more co-workers to join in the new boot camp so the competition was on! There were 6 of us from my job who decided to step up to the boot camp challenge.

I even met new friends in boot camp. I joined up with a girl, Jackie, who is more fit than me and who challenged me to work harder. We teamed up this time around and I really enjoyed laughing and joking around with her as well as having her to motivate me to keep going and not slack off in my workouts. Others in the class also motivated and inspired me to push just a little harder... and I in reciprocation tried to bring a little smile and comedic relief :)

Through the 6 weeks of boot camp we all encouraged each other and kept one another accountable. At work we would discuss our nutrition and workouts. It was great to have others around that knew how torturous doing a full minute of burpies or mountain climbers were and who could also share in the struggle of staying on track with nutrition. We shared in the doubt of the effectiveness of our habits in conjunction with our weight loss and shared in the celebration of each weigh in that resulted in a loss on the scale.

Today was the culmination of 6 weeks of hard work. We all stepped on the scale, got our fat pinched and had all our measurements taken. It was the point were the true results came to light. We had done weekly weigh ins each Saturday but the number on the scale only shows part of the results of the workouts. After all, isn't losing inches way cooler than losing pounds?? So I guess its time to get to the results.... drum roll....

Over all, the 6 of us girls who work together lost a total of 49 inches!! The picture is of us co-workers after our workout today, minus one who had to leave. I am so proud of everyone, because they all worked really hard and the inches don't lie! I won first place with a total of 14 pounds lost, 16 inches down and a loss of 2% body fat. My co-worker Carla came is second with 10 pounds lost, 8.5 inches down and 1% body fat.

As a result of coming in first place I am able to participate in the next 6 week boot camp, starting next Saturday, for free!! Through the awesome results of my co-workers and the spreading of the word about boot camp, we already have more co-workers joining us for the next boot camp!! I might even have some more friends join me too!!

Even more exciting than my own results, it makes my heart smile knowing that others around me have been inspired to start their own journey. It amazes me to think that making one decision to better my life, fighting for and sticking with my decision has catapulted and inspired so many other people to make that decision too!! I am no one special but if through my journey I can motivate and inspire others, every drop of sweat, every tear, muscle ache, and every time I wanted to quit but kept going, is worth it!!!

I will survive

2011-01-24T20:44:00.000-05:00

I have finished 2 weeks of my nutrition plan! Yeah!! I have to tell you, I feel amazing! I can not tell you that I am not craving foods or have been totally 100% on it but I am doing pretty darn good if I say so myself.

The first week was not the most pleasant. I discovered on day 1 that I don't particularly like sugar snap peas! But because of the way I plan my meals, eating the same thing for the whole week I had to eat them the rest of the week. Although Thursday of that week I discovered if I separated the peas from the pod and ate them separately it was much more texturally pleasing. My sugar craving was pretty intense for the first 3 days and I was pretty groggy and crappy. However waking up on Friday I felt like a totally new person, rested and ready to take on the world!

When it came to getting ready to plan the next weeks meals and grocery shopping it quickly became evident I didn't plan as well as I though. Although the menu was a great plan it had tomatoes, avocados, and fresh berries. As most of y'all know avocados and fresh berries are not the cheapest out of season and tomatoes just taste gross out of season! After my last post I had a few friends mention to me the eat clean diet and they talked about how great the plan was. So I took a trek to my local Barnes and Noble and plopped down in a comfy chair with the eat clean books. After reading through the book and perusing the cookbook I purchased them both.

The next weeks meals were more budget friendly and still healthy. I was skeptical of the authors suggestion of bee pollen in my morning oatmeal but I gave it a shot. With the addition of the bee pollen and flax seed it was not all aesthetically pleasing as the end result resembled a bowl of stone ground mustard! It does have a funny taste but I got used to it pretty quick and it isn't too bad now. First snack was chicken and green beans, lunch chicken over romaine lettuce and a squeeze of fresh lemon and half a sweet potato, snack pear and protein shake and dinner was suppose to be baked cod with steamed bok choy and half a sweet potato.

I have discovered, after keeping a log of what I eat and what times, I don't eat in the evenings. I do really great during the day, my meals are all planned out, every 2 and a half hours. I drink plenty of water. When I come home though my 5th meal falls right when I workout. After I workout the thought of food is not appetizing at all. And with fish being my last meal I couldn't make it too far ahead and I don't really feel like cooking in the evenings after working all day and a workout... (Oh the wonderful life of being single, I don't HAVE to make dinner). :) So this week I am going to focus on getting in food in the evenings. Especially after a workout because it is really important to get protein and nutrients in after a hard workout.

So overall I have stuck with the plan. Today at lunch there were pop-tarts on the counter at work and I was tempted to get one... I don't even like pop-tarts! So the sugar cravings aren't completely gone but it is easier to resist and think about the positives I am doing for my health and well being! Oh and positive part too, in the 2 weeks I have been eating healthier I have lost 13 pounds!! Whoo Hoo!! 2 weeks down... the rest of my life to go!!

diet is just die with a " t "!

2011-01-10T20:50:00.000-05:00

I have known for quite a while that I needed to get my eating on some sort of track. I make relatively healthy choices but portion control is something I don't have a good grasp on. I am a sucker for sugar too, as you can tell by my earlier posts and the subsequent failure to comply posts :). My problem is I don't want to go on a "diet". As a former fat girl the word "diet" meant eating nothing, cutting out main food groups or only eating one kind of food!

I know everyone has their own idea of what diet works... trust me, over the past 2 years of my journey I have heard that I need to do this diet or that diet, cut this out or put this back in blah blah blah!! I am not out for a quick fix, obviously, I am looking to make my life healthier! Which means whatever nutrition plan I am choosing has to be sustainable for the rest of my life. No injecting myself with hormones, only eating 500 calories a day, or cutting out carbs.

I think over the past couple of weeks my google investigation skills were put to use. Searching pro's and con's of different diet and eating plans. Looking at research and results. Ultimately though, there is only so much searching and investigation before you have to just make a plan and jump in. So this weekend I made a plan, went grocery shopping and today was day 1. In the same concept that I am on a weight loss 'journey' not an exercise plan, I chose not to call this a "diet" but more a nutrition plan.

I currently have decided on a pretty much all natural, back to basics nutrition. Fruits and veggies, with beans, nuts and lean meats. No processed foods, breads or pastas and no added sugar. I already concluded that I wanted to cut out excess sugars and I have read and heard more and more about gluten intolerance. I am by no means an expert about any of this stuff but with having personal gastrointestinal issues myself I thought it wouldn't hurt to try. So here goes nothing!!

I chose a 21 day nutrition plan but modified it to fit my lifestyle. I consider myself a relatively busy person with a full time job, workouts at least 5 evenings a week and also active in my church. I find it easier to use my weekends to power cook, cook enough food to last me the entire week, so I don't have to worry about what to eat and I have one less excuse to not go out to eat. So instead of a 21 day nutrition plan I am converting it to 21 weeks. That way I can purchase and cook a multiplied recipe of a meal to last the entire week instead of 42 separate meals.

So this week my meals consist of:
quinoa, blueberries and peanut butter for breakfast,
10 almonds and pear for snack,
lamb lettuce wraps with plain Greek yogurt for lunch,
10 sugar snap peas and apple for snack,
Salad with black beans and real guacamole for dinner,
10 grapes for snack.

I survived day one... the no sugar part is really hard right now. I didn't get coffee because I can't drink it without sugar. I saw a commercial for caramel Hershey's kisses while eating my lunch and I felt like I wanted jump through the tv and get one. I found out I don't like sugar snap peas. Something about the texture and taste I don't like, but I have 50 of them left for the rest of the week so I will just suck it up and eat them. :) So far I have enjoyed everything else. The lettuce wraps are really good, and surprisingly enough, breakfast is really tasty too!

I can tell my portion control had been way out of whack. I scheduled to eat my meals and snacks 2 and a half hours apart and I kept checking the clock to see if it was time to eat again! It is nice though to have a plan I can stick with instead of just cooking a bunch of whatever and putting it in the freezer. I know my body will soon adjust to the portion sizes and it won't be so bad. I am going to give this nutrition plan 4 weeks then re-evaluate from there. I am really excited to begin this next step on my journey and look forward to the rewards and benefits of filling my body with more whole nutritious foods.

Year in review

2011-01-07T22:08:00.000-05:00

With the New Year I did a sort of year in review. I initially looked at my weight loss and was pretty disheartened when I discovered throughout the entire year of 2010 from January to December I lost a total of 8 pounds! At one point this year I had reached the 90 pound weight loss mark only to gain some back. The year prior I had lost 60 pounds and to only lose 8 pounds following that honestly really made me want to just say "screw it all!!"

I had signed up and participated in my personal trainer's holiday boot camp in effort to get me back on track and keep me more accountable in my workout consistency. It was a great 7 week program, 3 times a week and I always left sweaty and feeling like I had a great workout. My final weigh-in for the boot camp however did not produce the results I was hoping for, not only showed a weight gain on the scale but also a gain of 8 inches!!

In the spirit of staying positive I had to look at what else I accomplished in 2010. I ran and finished 4 5K's, one 2 miler, and a half marathon!! Not only that but I have also dropped 2 jean sizes, and only lost a total of 8 pounds!! Almost just as important though is that my journey has inspired others around me to start or continue their own weight loss/health journey.

The last half of 2010 was such a struggle with the passing of my grandmother, family illnesses, not to mention my own illnesses. What I can say though is I didn't give up. Yes I wanted to quit, yes I slacked off, yes I beat myself up, yes I felt like a failure BUT I didn't quit, I never failed, and I can't go back and change what I didn't do.

A friend who has recently embarked on her own weight loss journey (and might I say she is totally kicking butt) brought out her old jeans to show just how much progress she has made. So I dug through my closet and pulled out my old jeans I was saving for the time when I get super skinny and I can do the "biggest loser weight loss fat pants, skinny body" reveal! I put them on and it really opened my eyes to everything I have accomplished these past 2 years. It surprised me that putting the pants on physically not only showed me my weight loss but it showed me my mental progress too. Almost like putting on my old fat pants was like momentarily, mentally putting back on the 68 pounds and re-inserting the "fat girl" personality.

This past year I think was a lot of personal discovery for me. The first year in my weight loss I spent most of my time establishing the habit of working out and working hard. After the solidification of the habit then it was getting the rest of me in order. Growing up always being the tall, fat girl I had to change my mindset. I can still be Emily without the personification of the "fat girl". I had to convince myself it was ok to not be the "fat girl" anymore, and had to have a sort of parting of ways between the fat girl and the new me I am discovering. I have no pictures, physical or mental of what I, as an adult, would look like in a smaller size (except I know I would be ridiculously good looking :) ) So I had to work beyond my fear of the unknown and just keep working.

So what about 2011... Well, the numbers results of 2010 were nothing astronomical in the progress of my discovery. But the things I learned and am learning about myself can not be quantified. I think 2011 is going to be a bringing together of my dedication to exercise and strength to keep discovering who I am and begin bringing in nutrition as I know that is an integral piece of the puzzle. I can't help but be giddy when I think of what is to come. I am learning through this process, even though it has taken quite a bit of time, the finish line or ultimate weight loss goal, is not what matters but it is the journey and the lessons learned in between the start and finish.

The Best is Yet to Come!!!

Did I get on the wrong wagon?!?!

2010-12-18T12:00:00.001-05:00

So I haven't updated in quite a while... not that there hasn't been anything to update on! As I have reflected these past 3 months it has been a whirl wind and it makes me think "what have I been doing?!".

In a nutshell back in October when I ran the Tails and Trails 5K I was hit on the eyelid by a bug or something. When I brushed it off I felt a small stinging sensation but didn't think too much about it, after all I was running in a race. As the week following progressed my right eye began to swell where the bug hit me and I soon looked like I had been in a big ol fight!

It took 10 weeks but finally after 4 doctors, multiple antibiotics, steroids, and ointments and I finally have my eyelids back to normal! They never fully concluded if it was the bug that caused all the mayhem but was told it was a stubborn case of blepharitis and staph infection.

Because of being on all the medications, steroids, lack of exercise and crappy eating, I ended up gaining around 20 pounds! Not what I wanted to do. After all I was on track to try and get to my 100 pound weight loss goal by January 1, 2011. I felt like I had gotten on the wrong bandwagon and didn't know it! Isn't my weight and health suppose to be getting better not worse?!?!

I knew I wasn't going to reach my weight loss goal by the end of the year and the whole no sugar thing... well that went out the window real quick! Yes I admit it, I am addicted to sugar!! So I had to sit down a re-group. I have invested so much emotionally this past year in my weight loss and after hitting a plateau and now weight gain I was feeling pretty down on myself. After losing almost 60 pounds the first year I started losing weight, to now spending the entire second year working hard and managing to lose 30 only to gain 20 back it was hard for me.

BUT I had to look at more numbers than just the number on the scale. I was still consistently loosing inches. After gaining 10 pounds in one month my personal trainer still measured a 2 inch loss in my waist. I have gone down 2 almost 3 pants sizes and I can tell I am gaining muscle mass and tone. So honestly all was not lost. I had to start looking at my numbers differently. Its not just about the number on the scale.

November 20th I began participating in my personal trainers boot camp. We workout 3 days a week for an hour, we sweat our butts off and work hard. In addition, one day a week I workout personally with my trainer one on one. So I am getting 4 days of hard workouts in. It would be so incredible to say I lost a ton of weight starting this but then I'd be a liar. But for the first time this week after we started the scale moved in a direction that I liked... in 5 weeks of boot camp and getting my diet back on track (not quite back to the no sugar yet though :)) I lost 3 pounds this week!!

I am getting back on the right wagon... no more pitty party, I feel bad for myself, I'm a failure blah blah blah. I am starting off 2011 strong. I can not compare 2010 results to my 2009 results nor will I look back on 2010 and have it dampen my 2011 expectations! I am stronger than I think I am, I have accomplished more than most people dream, and I am not finished!!! The best is yet to come!!

Now you all have to keep me accountable... I will be coming up with my goals for 2011 and no matter what, I will always strive to do my best to look for the positive in my situations. I have started studying for my ACSM personal training certification and am looking forward to what the future brings. Lets all start today in making 2011 better than 2010!

Plateau?!

2010-11-24T10:12:00.000-05:00

Ahhh the dreaded plateau... the frustrating number on the scale that hasn't moved in the past few months. When I initially started out I thought it would be amazing to reach 250 pounds. After starting at 329 it just seemed like a good number to shoot for. So now I am 249 and stuck! :)

I shouldn't be beating myself up so much since I have lost inches and have gone down a pant size even though the number hasn't changed. But every time I get on the scale the number doesn't change. Although 2 weeks ago the scale showed a 10 pound weight loss until I realized my battery in my scale was dieing and after replacing it I was back at 249! :)

I was discussing my frustration about my lack of weight loss with my personal trainer 2 weeks ago. Even though I have come so far and losing 80 pounds I am having a hard time losing more weight. Mentally, I can not even imagine what I would look like losing more weight. I am at the point where I am the same size I was my freshman year of high school! So in my mind I don't have an image of me being smaller. She suggested I create goals to try and achieve to help motivate me. I still haven't completed my list but I have divided my goals up into weekly, monthly and long term goals.

My weekly goals are
Weekly
workout after work before watching tv or internet
workout a minimum of 30 minutes
no snacking between meals
no added sugar
be positive

Monthly
Lose 10 pounds
create a vision board of what I want to achieve
Read a positive/motivational book
Try a new workout
buy now goal jeans

Long term
under 200 pounds
run 5k under 30 minutes

I have to come up with some more long term goals but this is getting me started to try and get my mindset changed and get me off this plateau!

Tails n Trails

2010-10-13T23:13:00.002-04:00

Saturday 10/9/10 I participated in a local 5k benefiting our humane society. Last year I ran the race too however this year it was at a different location. This year was the second year for the race so I can proudly say I have consecutively ran in every tails and trails 5k ;).

It was so much fun to be in this race. Not only was it a 5k but they also had a 15k and dog walk. There were dogs and people everywhere!

I made it my goal to try and finish the race under 40 minutes. I have been averaging 12 to 13 minute miles on my running during the week so it was feasible to reach my goal. Also I had 3 of my co-workers walking in the dog walk and my personal trainer was doing the 5k, so I felt extra pressure to do well.

This was my first trail run. I had no idea what to expect but didn't imagine it would be much more difficult than my normal running I do on pavement. Maybe I was just being naive. They explained before the race that the 5k route we were running is the exact track laid out for our local high school cross country sectional meet.

The race began and we all took off across a huge open field. It really surprised me how different it felt to run on grass as opposed to my normal runs on pavement. And when we switched to gravel/trails it really proved to be more of a challenge than I expected.

There was this steep hill we had to run down and it scared me that I was going to fall but I didn't thank goodness. However, I was unaware later in the race I was going to be running back up that same hill!

As I was nearing the last mile another large hill was in the course. I could see the grass hill and knew I had to get up it but in my mind I was thinking I can't do it. Then I gave myself a little pep talk. I have accomplished so much so far in my journey one stinkin hill isn't me. Each step up the hill I just reminded myself how far I have really come. By the time I reached the top, I wanted to do the victory dance I was so proud. Not only did I make it up the hill, I also finally saw a bit of the strength I had inside me, I didn't think was there.

I finished the race in just under 42 minutes. I didn't meet my time goal but i didn't care so much. This race was proof to myself that I can accomplish more than I think I can... Including running up big ol stinkin hills!!!

Sugar Day 8

2010-10-12T21:48:00.000-04:00

Today is day 8 of my no sugar quest! Some days are better than others. I ran a 5K Saturday and had a Gatorade, I didn't even think about to check the sugar until after I drank the whole thing! Sunday at dinner with the family I enjoyed myself a slice of pumpkin pie. But its all good... I have not given up and I am plugging away.

Friday I had a conversation with a group of people that kind of opened my eyes. I was discussing my attempt to cut sugar out of my diet. One person sitting at the table began to say how they also try to not eat sugar in their diet. In the meantime they are sitting there eating a piece of apple pie! One of the other people sitting with me at the table brought up the fact that this person was eating the piece of pie and they excused eating the pie as ok because it was mostly fruit!

Its is amazing to me to how much we will make excuses to make ourselves feel better about our bad choices. The pie is mostly fruit, I will work harder in exchange for eating crappy! FOR REAL?!?! Why don't we just say how it is, I ate the pie because I wanted to eat it, I am not really going to work harder I just want to make myself feel better now about eating crappy.

Honesty I have struggled with making the right choices when I am alone because, I am alone. I know the right choices to make but I have that little voice in the back of my head telling me, it is ok to eat something because no one is there to see me... the only problem with that is, I am only hurting myself!! Yes, I don't have the accountability when I am by myself but it is not about doing the right thing only when people are there to critique what I do. It is what I do when no one is watching me when I am truly learning my lesson. It is ok to eat something off every now and again, just don't let it become an every day occurrence, deal with your decisions and don't let it hold you back from continuing on with your journey!

2 years! What?!

2010-10-07T18:20:00.000-04:00

Today is a day of celebration!! It has been 2 years since I decided to make my health a priority. I was no longer going to be the fat girl... Oh my, how much I have learned in these past two years. I learned how to have effective workouts, what I should and shouldn't eat but most of all learned so much about myself.

It is more than just a number on the scale, it is about the change in you head. Growing up always being the big girl, I had to start thinking of myself differently. I have learned just how strong I can be. How many times do people jump on the bandwagon only to have crash and burned later down the road. I have continued on this journey for 2 years and will continue for the rest of my life. A friend of mine recently pointed out to me the fact that I have the strength to lose this weigh is evidence of just how strong my will power is. In addition, the strength I have inside to improve my health also shows that I have the strength to improve other, non-health related, areas in my life.

I am succeeding in proving that even though I have lived most of my life with a weight issue I don't have to finish my life with a weight issue. Growing up I listened to the negative "I can't" voice in my head giving every excuse to not live life to my potential. However to go from saying "I can't" to "I can" is the mind shift that changes the world. We all have limitations and things we are not good at, but to do what we can do is the baby steps that brings you to your goals.

When I started my journey I could have easily said "I can't do a half marathon", and I believed that. But I had to say, "I can walk a mile" after I did that it brought me to say "I can participate in a race" which in turn led to "I can run a 5K" which eventually got me to "I can do a half marathon!". How much greater potential would we all have if we just stopped saying I can't and focused on what we can do!

Below I am sharing my photo time line I started 2 years ago, up the my most current picture. The pictures below are a visual representation of what "can" can do!! :)

Day 3

2010-10-06T19:28:00.000-04:00

I survived another day! ;) It seemed to be easier to resist the candy and pop temptations today. Could be that there was less stress in my day but I wanna think I am getting stronger in my will power.

Today my oatmeal, which I normally put honey and craisens in, tasted a little better than wall paper paste and actually not too bad. I am even proud of myself and have not ate a reeces pumpkin! I know it is only day 3 of my no sugar adventure but I am starting to see this might actually be something to help me break this plateau I am on.

I am going to stick my flag in the ground today and declare to all you reading this blog my next goal. I have been stuck in the 10 pound rut fluctuating between 80 - 90 pounds lost since May. Although my body has continued to change and have lost multiple inches, it is time for me to get focused again. I am making it my goal that I will lose 100 pounds before January 1, 2011! Which currently means I will need to lose 14 pounds to reach my goal. Totally achievable, so I also challenge you to set your own personal goal to reach by January 1... who said resolutions had to start on January 1 anyways!! :)

Day 2

2010-10-05T22:13:00.001-04:00

Ok, so today I seriously contemplated my sanity today with my no sugar challenge. Today was quarter end close at work, which causes extra stress because all work needs to be complete by 5 pm. Not to mention, now withdraw is setting in and I have a heighten sense of awareness of every sugar laden food in my general vicinity! :)

I did manage to make it through the work day without adding extra sugar to my foods. One of my coworkers gave me a picture today of us when we did the march of dimes walk a little over a year and a half ago. The picture was taken after I had already reached 30 pounds lost. It blew me away to see that picture and prove to myself that I have come a long way. I kept looking at that picture all day as motivation to keep my head in the game.

True confession time though... I did however eat a reeces pumpkin tonight after dinner, but it is not the end of the world.

Overall I rate today a 8 out of 10. I am slowly learning I am stronger than I think I am. I choose to make decisions to further my health and strength. I might mess up but there is no failure when quitting is not an option!

What?! No Sugar!

2010-10-04T17:27:00.000-04:00

So I have been planning for a bit now to try and cut out excess sugar from my diet. I always hear about how extra sugar, high fructose corn syrup, and artificial sugars are bad for us. Stuff about it messing with your blood sugar levels and also causing your body to crave more sugar and so on. So I decided today 10/4/10 was going to be my first day without adding excess sugar to my diet. That meant no sugar in my coffee or tea, and no honey in my morning oatmeal. I am also trying to limit my sugars in packaged foods to 10g of sugar per package.

I have heard warnings that when you cut sugar your body goes through withdraw period where you are irritable but once you get past the first few days your body will adjust. Now I am not one to jump on any bandwagon for fad diets where you cut out all carbs, starve yourself and/or inject your body with hormones all just to look better in a pair of jeans. If you are looking for a quick fix to the mess of being overweight you are never going to learn and I pretty much guarantee the weight will not stay off in the long term. I know it is cliche but come on people, you didn't get fat overnight, your not going to get thin overnight. But I digress :)

When I heard about cutting the sugar out of my diet I thought, "oh that would be easy", Ya right!! After studying labels and examining my diet I realized I had a lot of excess sugar in my diet. A packet of sugar in my coffee or tea, a tablespoon on my oatmeal, heck there is even 19g of sugar in my yogurt!! Not to even mention the blatant sugars I consume in skinny cow ice cream, chick-fil-a sweet tea and the occasional chocolate bar or candy. So I made the decision, I was going to cut out all excess sugars see what happens.

So what happened... I get to work this morning and there is no regular coffee in the entire building, only decaf. Not so much of a big deal because I have green tea in my desk so I drank tea all day. Then the computer system I work on had an "upgrade" done to it this weekend, however our obsolete computers were not able to handle all the updates so our view screen only showed a 1x6 inch rectangular crosssection of the page and all the sorting functions were wacky too! So first day was not the greatest, but I survived, I resisted the jolly ranchers, reeces pumpkins and tootsie rolls, and fought off the urge to buy a cherry coke out of the vending machine. I did however make a peanut butter fluff sandwich for my 4 pm meal. :( But the marshmallow fluff is now gone and so I will not have that in the house anymore.

Day one, I rate 6 out of 10 overall... Lets see what the next few days of withdraw will bring :) haha wish me luck all!!

Hog Jog Take 2

2010-09-17T21:37:00.000-04:00

June 19, 2010 I ran the Hog Jog for the second time. This year was fantastic! I tried convincing some friends to join me but none of them signed up so I was on my own again. I made it my goal to try and do the race in 28 minutes.

It was all so familiar to me as we milled around before the start of the race and once we go into the starting corral. But once the starting gun went off that is when it changed. It wasn't me being passed up by all the runners, I was keeping with the crowd! I knew I had to stick with my pre-set pace or else I would burn out before the end so I started my 3 minute run, 1 minute walk. I remembered the route from the year before and it was nice to see the people cheering us on from their lawn chairs and porches along the side of the road.

The race is one big square so when you get to the last turn you can see the finish. I kept track of my time but didn't know how close I was to beating last years time until I made the last turn. As I rounded the corner I could see the park ahead and I decided to run to the finish. I didn't look at my watch or anything around me, I wanted to run through the finish line. My legs wanted to quit before the finish but my determination wouldn't let me stop. I finished in 24:36!!!

So not only did I finish 7:34 minutes faster than the year before I was also 50 pounds lighter!!! In one year I have accomplished so much, the numbers and the smile on my face prove it!!

Zoo Run Run

2010-06-15T19:52:00.000-04:00

I could suffice to say after doing the hog jog I thought to myself I could really get into this running thing. I searched around my local area for more races and found a 5k for the little zoo at our local park. I had heard about the Zoo Run Run before and decided it would be a fun thing to do and I really had no excuse not to do it since it was a local race.

To get into training for the 5K I had heard so much about the couch to 5K program I decided to give it a whirl. It started out with a 60 second run 90 second recovery time with 8 sets. Gradually the running time increases and the recovery time decreases until week 9 when you are suppose to be able to run for 30 minutes strait. Obviously with the next race in a month I didn't have time to get through 9 weeks of training so I just kept going with the plan and do the race as well as I could.

Race day came, a warm July Indiana morning. Thankfully the humidity wasn't too bad. This only being my second race I still wasn't sure what to expect. I had picked up my race packet and number the day before so just showed up with my number and timing chip securely tied to my shoe. :) There was the people running around the park warming up, to which I still thought were crazy for running before the race even started! There were a lot more people at this race. I noticed this dad with his 2 kids and he was showing them how to stretch and giving them advice about the race. I was still surprised about the variety of people there. It wasn't all the stereotypical runners. There were kids, teenagers, senior citizens, moms and dad, there was no bias toward one people, were were all there for a common goal, run a race and have fun.

I was doing this race by myself and doing it for the first time didn't help my pre-race jitters. Those feelings were soon behind me as the starting gun went off and the mass of people in front of me started running forward. As we headed through the park I felt like everyone in the race was passing me. It can feel kind of discouraging when you are doing this race and are still being passed by people. But after a quick glance back it was a comfort to me to see quite a few people still behind me.

I had mapped out 3.1 miles before on map my run and had done it before around my apartment so I though I was good to go. This race though started in the park, through the surrounding neighborhood, around the outside of the park and ended back inside the park at the zoo. There were a few times when the race intersected itself so it was weird to cross paths, literally, with the leaders of the race.

I had pushed myself really hard at the beginning of the race to try and keep up with the runners instead of keeping with my own, run/walk pace. Toward the end of the race I was pretty spent and was walking more than running. There was a lady and I who kept playing cat and mouse the whole race. I would get ahead of her then she would pass me, then I would pass her and so on. So when the course started us back into the park I knew it was the last leg and I wanted to finish before this lady.

When I saw the finish line ahead of me I began to run. My legs did not want to move but I was bound and determined to finish the race running! As I approached the finish there were people lined on either side of the finish cheering and the big "FINISH" banner with the time clock right next to it. I pushed what seemed to be my last ounce of will power and ran under the finish banner. Once I finished though I forgot about how hard the race was, it is like the finish line is the reward and the pain up to that point was worth it because no matter if your first or last, you are always a winner, because you finished!!

Oh and I did beat the lady! :)

I did it!!

2010-05-10T20:40:00.001-04:00

So this is another out of sequence blog post. In as much as I like to do things chronologically this just can't wait until I get around to writing about current events!! Saturday May 8, 2010, I finished my first half marathon!!

I participated in the Indy Festival 500 Mini Marathon. I was among 35,000 participants running 13.1 miles around Indianapolis and the Indy 500 race track! Looking back through this blog from where I started, I could never have imagined last year at this same time that I could finish a half marathon!!

Because of so many participants in the half marathon as well as a 5K, we were only able to register the Thursday and Friday before the race. Luckily, another friend from my church and her daughter were doing the race too so I bummed a ride from them to registration and the race.

Thursday afternoon Vicki and I headed down to Indy to pick up our race packets and peruse the expo. When we got to the convention center we were directed to the back of the room to the packet pick up area. The magnitude of it hit me when I saw the entire back of the room with booths lined up and mounds of shirts behind them. After we picked up our race numbers we walked and looked at all the booths.

Friday was a rest day. I had nothing planned and didn't want to change it! After all the next day I was going to be running 13.1 miles. At 5 I went over to Vicki's house and loaded up on carbs with spaghetti, Alfredo and bread! Then I went went home and went to bed.

4am Saturday morning my alarm went off! I got up ate my breakfast, oatmeal and coffee protein shake. Gathered my ipod, water, gum, chapstick, and gu and waited for my ride!

A you can imagine with so many participants traffic was crazy. Thankfully Vicki's husband drove us down so we didn't have to worry about parking!! Because of so many participants we were broken up into corrals according to our estimated finish time. I was in corral "v" and Vicki was in "z" so we parted ways and went to our respective corrals.

It was such a cold morning. Temperatures were in the low 50s so I was thankful I brought my jacket. One lady who was in my corral was wearing shorts and a tank top! Needless to say she was very cold! As we waited for the race to start they had music playing and beach balls surfing through the crowd. Soon though the national anthem was sung and the race started!!

My corral was about 3 city blocks away from the start line so it took a good 10 minutes for us to finally walk to the start line and begin our journey. As I crossed the start line I said to myself "there is no turning back now!". Once I crossed the start line there was no quitting until my feet pass the finish line!

I have not built enough strength to continuously run long distances but I do a combination run walk. So I started out my pace with a 4 minute run and 1 minute walk. It was a comfortable pace and was feeling pretty good. Along the sides of the road were set up different entertainment, mostly bands but there were also square dancers, tap dancers, and cheerleaders. That really helped along the run, especially since I am use to running out in the country it was neat to see so much stuff! Before I knew it I had hit the 5K mark. I had never run a race any longer than 5K so once I passed the marker I was embarking on new race territory! :)

About mile 5 nature started knocking and I had to stop at one of the conveniently located porta pottys. Bad thing though, about 15 other people had the same idea. So I ended up waiting in line. I struck up a conversation with the people in line, one girl was even from a city right next to where I live! Another lady was not sure if she was going to make it to the end, she had a 5 month old baby she was nursing and was pretty uncomfortable, bless her heart! Quickly though the line moved and I was back on the road again.

I had a hard time getting back into my pace. I ended up doing about a 3 minute runs and minute to 2 minute walks. Soon we entered the Indy 500 race track. I was so excited to be able to run around the track. Even though the track is 2 1/2 miles around it seemed like forever to get around the darn thing! I tried running but my hips were hurting, maybe to do with the angle or something. By the time we made it around the track I was glad I was over half way finished.

Heading into mile 8 I began feeling my usual, "I don't think I can finish this". I had just pretty much walked the last 3 miles and was feeling kinda crappy. Then I remembered I had put some gu in my pack. So I ate a gu and started feeling better. I knew I had lost time taking a potty break and walking the track so I changed my pace to 5 minute run, 1 minute walk. I had trained at home for shorter distances at the 5/1 ratio so I knew I could do it and hopefully gain ground.

I had brought my cell phone with me and was updating my facebook status and taking pictures along the way. It was such a motivator to me, especially when I was tired and hurting a bit to read all my friends comments of encouragement. One of my friends even wrote "left right left right" which cracked me up! It was so amazing to me that I had so many people rooting for me to do my best and it motivated me! I had their words in my hand and I knew I could finish this race!

The last 4 miles flew by once I got into my pace and before I knew it I was one mile away from the finish! I decided I was going to run the last mile! I was feeling on top of the world, I had never gone this far, even in my training and I was going to finish! The marked each quarter mile of the last mile. As I approached the 1/4 mile left mark my legs were screaming at me but I wanted to finish strong and finish running. I dug down and kept my eyes on the finish, there was nothing in between me and the finish line.

There is something special about the finish line. No matter how much pain or tiredness you felt up to the very second before you cross the finish line, once you cross that line it all goes away! The moment I crossed the finish line at 3:23:08, I felt on top of the world. I WON!! Another special thing about races too is, no matter if your the first to cross the finish line or the last everyone who crosses it is the winner.

For me crossing the finish line was a symbol of everything I have accomplished this past year. A year ago I was doing the 2 mile hog jog and could have never imagined pulling of 13.1 miles, in one day!! Two years ago I never had a thought in my head that I would be running. But here I was May 8, 2010 completing 13.1 miles! All I can say is, The Best is Yet to Come!!

what did I get myself into!

2010-05-03T19:13:00.000-04:00

I had no idea what to expect with my first session with my personal trainer. After all the only thing I knew about exercise and personal trainers was gym class in school, Biggest Loser and exercise DVD's! And I sure as heck was not wanting a 'Jillian Michaels' type trainer yelling at me... not sure if I even wanted a Bob Harper type either :)

I started out warming up on the treadmill then after about 10 minutes the workout started. I was already sweating. She had me do a variety of body weight exercises, lunges, calf raises, push-ups on an elevated surface. And my first session I learned the joys of mountain climbers, let me explain. I had my hands on a plyo box which was about 20 inches high and my feet were behind my almost in a push up position. Then as fast as I could I had to jump one foot at a time back and forth in a running motion. That was so hard to do I felt like I just might die after about 2 seconds of jumping my feet back and forth :) Then I did step ups on the plyo box. Seriously who'd a thought that stepping up and down on a box would be so tiring but my legs were pretty much dead by the end of the session. She had me do a few more push ups and ab stuff and then my session was over.

My first session workout was tough but it was good. I felt like I could actually get into it. She didn't have me do anything I absolutely thought I couldn't do and yet I was tested to do more than I though I could. I could actually see myself getting used to it and maybe enjoying working out... until later the next day!!

When I got up the next morning I was a little sore but felt good. I thought, since I was working out before it gave me an edge that I wasn't going to be as sore. As the day progressed however, it became increasingly harder to get my body to voluntarily move. By the end of the day just closing my eyelids hurt :) Literally every muscle in my body hurt, from my toes to my nose, nothing moved without some twinge of pain radiating through my body. And I seriously thought what did I get myself into!

I knew though that this pain meant that I was working muscles that hadn't been worked in a long time. And that if I stuck with it, it would start getting easier and not get so sore afterward. Besides, I had paid for a whole month of workouts with the personal trainer so I had to stick with it at least a month :)

Can I really do this?

2010-04-26T16:03:00.000-04:00

I am always looking for new podcasts and one day I came across one podcast called The strength coach podcast. This is a few guys giving advice to other strength coaches and personal trainers about how to improve different screening techniques and so forth for mainly athletes. Honesty I had no idea what almost all the stuff these guys were talking about, I mean, who the heck has ever heard of a turkish get-up or a movement screen?! Not me! Even though I barely understood their lingo I continued to listen and get inspired.

I started becoming interested in looking for a personal trainer but from what I heard it is expensive to get a personal trainer. I looked at the different gyms in town. Not that there were a plethora to look at, I can count the gyms in town on both hands!! Gyms however, scared me. Just like races, my mental image of a gym was skinny people looking judgmentally at the fat people trying to workout and meat heads hogging the mirror in the weight room. The more I thought about it the more I really wanted to look into a personal trainer. So I googled personal trainers in my local area.

The first site that came up was this total meat head guy who used to do body building and had a totally gross picture of him all muscled out and unnaturally shiny. Definitely a NO. The next site I went to though was a nice looking site. It was a girl who worked mainly with women and she actually had her rates posted on her website. So I sent a e-mail though the website asking about the gym and what kind of training she does.

Surprisingly, I received a e-mail the next day answering my questions and inviting me for a free assessment. So I though, I could go for the free assessment and first session and if I am not comfortable or don't like it I will just not commit to it or only do it for a little bit then quit. The thing I liked the most was she worked out of a personal training studio so the only people who were in there were either being trained or were the trainer. She also gave you an eating plan to help get a healthy diet established. So I decided to jump in.

I was so scared I could not continue on the journey I had started without further motivation. Sure I had signed up for 5K in July, but you always hear stories of people losing 30, 40 or even 50 pounds then falling off the wagon and gaining all the weight back plus some. I don't want to be one of those people. I did not want to be the 'typical' American who can only stick with something until it becomes an inconvenience and then it goes out the window. So maybe if it was a good deal I could get a personal trainer and I could really do it and finally not be the fat girl.

The day of my assessment I was so freaked out. Here I was, this fat girl, going to a personal trainer, whom I have never met, not knowing what or who I was going to find. I get to the studio and a petite, toned girl greeted me and introduced herself as Amanda, the trainer. She appeared to be a few years older than me so that was a little more reassuring to me, I don't really know why though :). So she took me to this small office area and we started the assessment.

She sat me down and started asking me questions, why I was there, what I was looking for, what kind of goals I had. Seriously?!?! I had no idea any of the answers, I just don't want to be fat and she wants specific goals! Oh boy, what did it get myself into! I finally gave her some goals I wanted... I want to be able to fit into clothes not purchased in the plus size section of the store. I want to be able to run a mile without stopping to walk. Then we moved on to weight and measurements, the part I was so dreading. Here I was already insecure about my size and you have to go and really tell me how fat I am, Great!! I don't remember all my measurements but my starting weight, with all my clothes and shoes on was 300 pounds. She then sat me back down and went over a strategy on how she can help me and I was so in! Partly because I felt bad about how big I was and because she had a plan to help me. So I wrote the check and signed up for my first month of training... my first session was going to be on June 30, 2009.

Hog Jog

2010-04-18T20:23:00.000-04:00

So the butt crack of dawn I woke up on June 20, 2009 to go do something I have never done, participate in a race. I signed up fulling intending on having some of my co-workers join me but situations came up and I was going to do it on my own. It was so tempting to not go or just go, pick up my t-shirt and leave. Despite me apprehensions I got into my car and drove to the race.

When I got to the park where the race was to happen there were a lot more people than I expected! This is just a small town in Indiana but I guess the Hog Jog is a pretty well known race in our area. And of course the first few people I saw where the skinny runners with the tights and tank tops running around the park. I thought to myself "DUDE these people are crazy, the race hasn't even started! Why the heck are these people running already?!" I started getting more and more nervous as I got in line for registration.

There were so many people it seemed. I felt strange, mainly out of my own insecurities and my judgment of myself for being the "fat girl" at a race. After I picked up my totally awesome pink hog jog shirt, race chip, and number I walked back to my car to put all the race material in my car and to put the chip on my shoe. In the back of my head I kept thinking of ways I could not do the race. But I went there to accomplish something and I was going to do it. No matter how scared or awkward I felt I needed to do this race.

As I walked back to the park I wandered around looking at the different people. I began to notice not everyone was my stereotypical image of a runner. There were all different ages and sizes. Some people were decked out in the running gear and I saw some people wearing jeans! But most people were just normal looking, t-shirt and shorts. I saw this older couple about my parents age, mid to later 50's standing around waiting for the race to start. I struck up a conversation with the lady (for the life of me I wish I could remember her name but it seems to escape me) and I told her it was my first race. She had done a few races but she was a walk/jogger and not a runner. Since I had built my "running" up to about a minute I figured I was in the same walk/jog category.

The announcement was made to start heading up to the starting line. I decided to stand go where the lady I was talking to went. She said she found the best place for her was in the back of the running group, on the outside, just before the walking group. As we stood there waiting to start they began making the "thanks for coming" speech and before I knew it the gun went off and we were off.

I ran to try and keep up with my new friend but quickly found myself out of breath and slowed down to walk. I continued my jog/walk routine throughout the race. This was a crazy experience! I ended up passing a small group of people who where pushing an elderly lady in a wheelchair. Then I was passed by "lamaze" breathing speed walkers :). There were kids running, people walking with strollers, teenagers in jeans, and grandparents. As we came through the town there were people sitting on their front porch and out on the lawn in chairs cheering for the participants and talking to the people they knew in the race. This was not my expectation of a race, this is so much better! We went through town and the police and volunteers cheered for you and gave a friendly smile and wave as you passed by. Before I knew it the race was almost finished.

As I rounded the last corner I could see ahead the finish line. It was a welcome sight, I was so excited and exhausted to finally see the finish. Even though it was 2 mile race it seemed to be a lot longer! Mainly because I didn't really train for ground running only running on the treadmill :). As I approached the finish line my new friend was standing on the side waiting for her husband. She cheered for me and encouraged me to run to the finish. I felt a final serge of energy and I ran to the finish line, 32 minutes!

I did it, this "fat girl" just completed a race!! I wasn't the first, and I wasn't the last!! But crossing that finish line with people cheering me on, I felt like a winner! My new friend took the picture below soon after I finished and I was so excited that you can see people still finishing behind me, showing I wasn't the last one!! I was on top of the world! I had accomplished something I never imagined I could do and I felt great, sweaty, but great! I think for the first time I experience the "runners high" and it was amazing!! I couldn't wait to find another race!

Motivation... how do I get it?!

2010-04-15T19:26:00.000-04:00

After my 30 pound mile stone I did some reflection. When I started my weight loss it was just that, weight loss. I began to realize however that there needed to be something more to motivate me than "I don't want to be fat anymore".

I have had a weight problem from about elementary school forward (maybe I will go into further background in a later blog post). I have said for as many years as I have been the 'big girl', "I don't want to be fat anymore" but never did anything about it. What about this time is going to make it stick. Now that I was under 300 pounds I was getting comfortable again. My clothes weren't so tight anymore and I felt a lot better. Sure I was still fat, but I have always been the fat girl so I felt more comfortable in that role.

One of my team members a work started a March of Dimes group and most of my other team members joined in, as did I. It was exciting to be able to raise money for a good cause and at the end we all would be walking a 4 mile walk. So on April 24th 2009 I walked 4 miles. I ended up with some blisters on my feet from wearing crappy shoes but I walked away with a sense of accomplishment. 4 miles, even done slow, was still 4 more miles that I would have never done 7 months ago. This planted a seed to do more.

Many of my podcasts I listened to talked about running different races. I had no idea what the heck a 5K was and figured it was 5 miles. What a relief it was when I discovered that a 5K was only 3.1 miles! On the call in podcast I listened to with Jonathan Roche there were women calling in who had completed different 5K's and other races and athletic events, they would go on and on about how wonderful of an experience it was.... Wait?! running in a race... can be fun??

In the back of my head I kept thinking of the 1 mile run we had to do in gym class like once a month. I always felt like a loser, I don't ever think I passed the mile under 15 minute rule. There would be kids finishing the mile by the time I finished 1 of the 3 laps needed to complete the mile. If I couldn't finish the mile under 15 minutes how could I finish 3.1 miles with competitive runners! Cause aren't all people who run in races super skinny, with legs a mile long and those super short shorts on?!

Despite all my apprehension about runners and races I decided to plant my flag in the ground. I signed up for a 2 mile race, in a town 30 miles away, called the Hog Jog. I figured it would help keep me stay motivated to train for the race, it was not in my own city, which somehow made me more comfortable with it :) and I just wanted the t-shirt that said "hog jog" on it!

Reward Yourself.

2010-04-12T18:51:00.000-04:00

I heard time and time again on many of my podcast I listened to that in order to keep motivated you can set rewards for yourself once you meet a goal. I though of many ideas. Ice cream, pizza, new shoes, new outfit, tattoo :). I marked off the food rewards, even though I still wasn't eating the greatest I knew rewarding myself with food for losing a certain amount of weight was not the brightest idea. I thought about new shoes but they can be expensive and I already have a lot of shoes. A tattoo, kept going back and forth on it but decided to leave that reward for reaching a bigger goal. A new outfit, was a good idea but I was still thinking of other ideas. Finally dawned on me, I had been talking for a few weeks about needing my hair cut! I had my reward! Once I reached 30 pounds lost and under 300 pounds I was going to the salon and get my hair cut and colored!

During the Thanksgiving and Christmas I had gained 5 pounds. Although it bummed me I knew I needed to get back on track. Starting the intervals really jump started things and I was heading in the right direction again. I kept hitting little distractions along the way, birthdays, my sister's wedding. Finally it was heading toward the end of March and I hadn't met my goal! I had been working for 6 months and hadn't lost 30 pounds yet?! So I had to sit myself down and have a discussion with myself.

I am not a morning exerciser. When I wake up in the morning I need a shower and still don't wake up until about an hour after I get to work. I tried a few times and got up to workout but my body and mind didn't coordinate well and I felt like a bumbling fool trying to do my biggest loser videos in my living room at 6am. So I workout after work in the evenings. I made it a rule that I can't sit down, turn on the TV or computer until after I workout. I started to try and drink only water and not pop or even my beloved sweet tea from Chick-fil-a. I tried to put more random acts of fitness in my day, walking during my 15 minute breaks, parking in the parking spot furthest from the door, I even walked to the Target which is around the corner from my work for lunch.

March 31, 2009, was weigh in day. I was 302 pounds. I was hoping for at least a 2 pound loss just so I could be at 300. Lately though my weigh in number had only been half a pound here, then no weight loss, then one pound then no weight loss. So I wasn't sure what was going to happen. When I stepped on the scale it read 299! So I stepped off and back on again, 299. I moved the scale and stepped on again 299!! I had lost 30 pounds!! Yippee!!! :) I was so excited I went back to my desk and made my hair appointment that day to get my hair cut!

I finally felt I was making progress. My size 24 jeans which were super tight when I started were beginning to get baggy. I had ran for the first time on the treadmill and was working hard at increasing my stamina to run longer. And finally I had reached a milestone... 30 pounds lost and under 300 pounds!!

I can do that?!

2010-04-11T15:52:00.000-04:00

I received my No Excuses system with the heart rate monitor just before Christmas but like most people, I wanted to start fresh January 1. Let me just say that was an incredibly stupid move on my part... not because I waited till then but because everyone else waits till then! In my small apartment workout room for the first month there was always someone on the machines. As a fat girl I was always self-conscious of what everyone thought of me so I wouldn't go to the gym if there were people in there. So pretty much for the month of January I did my workouts on my elliptical at home.

I started off kind of easy but I soon discovered if you do it correctly it is some hard work. With the heart rate monitor I would push it hard for 3 minutes to get my heart rate up to the designated heart rate zone then back off for 1 minute to let my heart rate go down. I would be ok for the first couple of intervals but as the intervals increased so did my heart rate goal!

Interval training with a heart rate monitor is a whole big equation of 220 subtract your age and blah blah blah, lucky for me the online website that I gained access to with the system figures it out for me and then scales the numbers up or down as to how 'dead' I feel after my workout. So I would start out with getting my heart rate up to 157 and by my 8th interval I was pushing to get it up to 172!

After a month or so I finally worked up the nerves to do my intervals on the treadmill. I was nervous because there was a sticker on the treadmill that blatantly stated up to 300 pound weight limit, and I weighed over that still. I got on it anyways! The intervals were different than the elliptical because I didn't have the resistance I only increased the speed. And at that point I had no idea that increasing the incline on the treadmill was basically adding resistance :). So I switched back and forth from a walk to speed walk until the last interval. I decided that I was going to increase the speed one more MPH for my last interval.

As I hit the 4 MPH on the treadmill and the belt slowly went faster I couldn't keep my walking pace and I started jogging! What?!?! I can run?!?! Then about 20 seconds into it I had to change the speed back down but I didn't care... I ran! This fat girl got her tushy moving fast enough to run!! You could have handed me $100 right there on the spot but I wouldn't of cared because I just ran! I felt more accomplishment in the 20 seconds of that workout than I did in the previous 35 or so minutes. From that point I decided I wanted to make it my goal to try and run an entire 3 minute interval without stopping. I don't know if you can get a runners high from just 20 seconds but I had a euphoric feeling that put me on top of the world... and I wanted to keep going!!

I'm diving in

2010-04-09T16:27:00.000-04:00

So this post is out of chronological order from the events previously blogged about but I can't wait to write about my new adventure. I have decided to peruse a path in personal training! I received my study material for ACSM (American College of Sports Medicine) personal training yesterday via FedEx and I am so stinkin excited!! I don't plan on making personal training a full time job until I 'physically' look more like a personal trainer. I am going to pump my brain full of knowledge and hopefully I will be able to get training experience before officially becoming a personal trainer.

Although today at work I received some unsettling news about the uncertainty of my job security. Heck if I lose my job I could just pull my own biggest loser and workout for 8 hours a day, get super skinny and become a personal trainer by Christmas! Sounds good to me... who knows what will happen but all I can say is I am scared, excited, overwhelmed and anticipatory about the future... whatever it may be!

There's a podcast for that!

2010-04-08T18:53:00.000-04:00

I work in an office and spend a large majority of my day sitting in front of the computer. I learned that listening to music and podcasts during work helped move the day faster. Almost all of the podcasts I listened to was food or religious related. It dawned on me one day to search for health and fitness related podcasts. I was so excited to see the plethora of fitness related podcasts. I am a nerd when it comes to learning new things and podcasts were just what I needed. My friends and co-workers can attest to my quest for learning and my willingness to share my new found knowledge :)

With the holidays, It would have been easy just to step off the wagon. When I found fitness podcasts it was just the catalyst I needed to keep motivated. There was such a variety of information that all had the common denominator, to inform people of trends, healthy living, and fitness.

Many of the podcasts during the holidays offered holiday survival tips to help you stay on your health quest. A lot of them focused on portion control and better food decisions. I always though I ate pretty healthy, my parents were nurses and my dad a diabetic, so the dinners my mom cooked were balanced and healthy for the most part. However, my big issue was portion control. So in my mind, I still felt I could eat whatever I wanted just as long as the portions where of reasonable size. As the holidays came, along with my mommy's delicious home cooking my weight loss slowed down, and since I did not want to change my food I just put that to the middle of my mind and kept working out in the front.

I had increased my workout time to almost 30 minutes but did not keep a consistent schedule. I knew I needed to do something different. I had bought a few biggest loser fitness DVDs which were nice but I still felt like I needed something else. I needed something to keep me more accountable than just a weekly weigh in.

One of the podcasts I listened to, "No excuses weight loss with Jonathan Roche" was an internet radio show where the host, Jonathan Roche, answered peoples questions about fitness and weight loss. As well as the show, there was an online forum and he had a fitness system. I loved the forum and online community and began to form relationships with the women who regularly posted. Jonathan promoted the benefits of interval training and the research showing that intervals burn 30% more fat. Finally, just before Christmas, I bought his system that included a heart rate monitor and online software to track all my workouts and weight. I hoped this was what I needed to improve my fitness and weight loss.

Then came exercise

2010-04-06T17:51:00.000-04:00

I, like most people, had purchased a piece of exercise equipment years back fully intending to workout hardcore every day and lose 100 pounds in a month! You know because, that is how we all want to lose weight. So I got on my little elliptical machine and started away! 30 seconds later I was huffing and puffing already breaking a sweat! By the time 5 minutes had passed I felt like I was done. By 10 minutes I could have sworn I was dying! My chubby legs would not take another step, my t-shirt was pretty much saturated and I was hungry :). I had no idea I was so out of shape. I mean seriously?!?! 10 minutes! But I still had the fresh, go get em attitude... until the next day.

Every single muscle in my body hurt. My elliptical had the moving arms as well as peddles so it wasn't too much of a surprise when my arms were hurting as well as my legs but don't ask me how my hair follicles hurt! It was kind of pathetic, I even had to use the handicap stall at work because I needed the handles to hang on to so I could sit down and stand up! A simple sneeze would radiate through every single sore muscle causing a jolt of pain from my nose to my toes.

I was faithful to workout for the first week, and then the Tuesday weigh in came. I lost a whopping 1 pound! Yahoo, NOT! I killed myself like 3 times that week 10 minutes each time and only 1 pound!?! But I knew I couldn't stop yet, we had weigh in every Tuesday in my supervisors office. It was enough accountability to keep me going.

My roommate was a great help to keep me accountable too. She was a cheerleader in high school and was in good shape. Our apartment complex had a small workout room with a couple of treadmills, elliptical and exercise bikes. Every time she would go workout she would ask me if I wanted to join her. So I would tag along, while she ran on the treadmill, I sweated my butt off for 10 to 15 minutes on the recumbent bike then do some "stretching" until she finished. I wanted to be able to run on the treadmill just like her. I have always been fascinated with runners especially the ones with mile long legs who never seem to touch the ground. Even as a fat kid I would dream of being a skinny person running down the street. But I knew, I could barely ride a bike or use the elliptical I could never be a runner.

So I continued to workout, when ever it was convenient and eat whatever I wanted. After all I was working out so I could still eat my beloved Chick-fil-a, chicken egg and cheese bagel with hash browns and a large sweet tea every morning. Not to mention the assortment of chain fast food restaurants for lunch all of which were so conveniently located just down the road from my work. So conclusively I deducted, my working out would burn calories so with all my hard work I could reward myself with a pizza or taco or fried chicken, Right?

The Beginning

2010-04-03T17:10:00.000-04:00

My journey began June 6, 2008; unbeknown to me. The day began with me tying up loose ends before heading on the road to Pittsburgh, PA to live with my fiance. It ended with me, still in Indiana, crying in my parents arms after he broke it off with me. It wasn't until October 2008 I decided I had to chose to begin living my life again.

My office decided to do a biggest loser challenge and I was quick to jump on board... my starting weight 329 pounds. I didn't want to lose weight by trying pills or potions because I know they don't work. I didn't want to start some fad diet or even change my eating because frankly, I love food. So I started exercising.