O L

Here I am back on the blog... I thought of starting a new blog, about being a fat girl and not having to relive my "glory day" of previous blog entries.  The more I thought about it though, the more I realized I needed to continue this blog.  Weight loss is never an easy road, no matter which route you decide to take, it takes commitment, dedication and perseverance to stick with a plan.  Obviously I fizzled out when it came to perseverance last time... but as it is said, it doesn't matter how many times you fall down, its how many times you get back up... or whatever blah blah blah people say about not giving up.

O L... These are the letters that pop up on my scale when I step on it.  No matter what I do, weigh naked, or first thing in the morning, the scale looks back at me and says O L.  What is that supposed to mean!!  Obese Lady,  Oil Lamp, Ostrich Livers?!?!  It means OVER LOAD!!  Geez I have gotten to the point where my scale has resorted to "you got me man, your guess is as good as mine" when it comes to this fat girl stepping on the scale.  Sad part is my scale goes up to 350 lbs!

I look back and see exactly how I got back to where I started weight wise, plus weight.  Its strange how we all know what we need to do to lose weight but always have a reason why we don't!  We have free lunch at work almost every week, multiple time a week, and free lunches mean I have to eat more than my fill, right?!  I have a gym membership but its always too early, too late, too many people, not enough gas, not enough time, or wanting to spend time with my husband.  So I sit at home, eating whatever junk I want crying about how big my back side is getting and complaining that none of my clothes fit anymore.

Last week I decided enough is enough... I can no longer stand on the scale and see O L, I refuse to buy bigger clothes, and I can not buy the latest Oreo flavor no matter how cool it is!!  I have got to get my 350+ pound body moving and I need motivation.

So I started how I started last time... I went online searching for a personal trainer.  I chose not to go back to my old trainer, mainly because I feel like such a failure for not maintaining what I lost while working with her.  In addition, I need accountability and I need a trainer that will kick my butt and not be my friend.  I need someone who will push me to do 5 more reps past the point where I would quit and who would tell me to get over myself and keep going!  So I went online and filled out all the contact forms on multiple websites and waited for a response.  I was honest stating that I was extremely overweight but wanted to get started working out... wouldn't you know, out of the 3 training studios I contacted only 1 responded!!  So after a 10 minute conversation over the phone I set up my first training session for the next day.

When I arrive to the gym the next day, I am greeted at the air lock door by a "meat head", veins popping out everywhere and walking with his shoulders pushed forward.  He showed me around the gym a bit, it was full of weight equipment, only a few pieces of cardio equipment... not what I was used to with my old trainer who had a minimalist, mostly using body weight, open setup to her studio. After a brief introduction, the trainer had me start on the treadmill for a warm up and a little "get to know you" Q and A.  We discussed my workout habits, or lack there of, eating and a little bit of my work and stress.  Once I was warmed up the fun began!!  He ran me though an initial circuit of  25 squats, lat pull downs, bench press, and 1 minute on the stair mill.  After succeeding with the first round he said we were going to do the same circuit only he was going to time me... so I ran though the set again.  I could feel each muscle working and I knew with each squat how painful my legs were going to be afterward.  By the time I got to the stair mill I was wore out, I only lasted 20 seconds and I felt like I was going to pass out!!  I felt so defeated, not even 10 minutes into the workout and I was dying!!!  My legs were a shaky mess, my arms were jello and I felt like I had just run the mile!  Its horribly awful to realize how much fitness I had lost over the past 3 years of not working out, 3 years ago that circuit would have been nothing to do 3 even 4 times and I didn't complete 2!  After a pep talk and half a bottle of water, he made me do another circuit, minus the stair mill, I finished up on the treadmill.

Walking into the gym I immediately judged the muscular man as a dumb meat head and began doubting his ability to train me... after all I wasn't there to be a body builder, I was there to lose weight.  As I began working out though, he was quick to correct my form, and stern with directions.  I began to see, he really had my best interest in mind when he pushed me to keep going.  Walking out of the gym after my 20 minute, start to finish, workout, my jello legs barely got me to my car.  I went home and collapsed in my bed but I felt in my mind that this is the start of a good change!!  So once a week for the next 12 weeks, I am committed to getting my butt to the gym... because I am paying someone to push me to do just a little more!

Here goes nothing... and hopefully some weight too :)

Giving up

A while back I had an impromptu meeting on my trip to Target.  I ran into my old personal trainer.  As you all might have guessed or if you have seen me, I am pretty sure I have gained my weight back that I lost 2-3 years ago.  As I saw her I wanted to hide but there was nowhere to go. I was waiting to get “the look”… anyone who has battled their weight know what I am talking about, that disappointed mother look, people give you when they see that all the weight you is now back, it is horrifying to see people give you that look and frankly it makes me want to lock myself away.  She however did not show me “the look”, she asked about my life and invited me back to join the classes.  She might have been giving me the look in the back of her head but from what I could tell her reaction to seeing me was not in disgust of my weight gain. 

As  time went by, working 2 jobs, money problems, keeping up a relationship, engagement and marriage, job change, and then my own disappointment and embarrassment of my weight gain held me back from keeping up with working out.  I went on spurts here and there with going to the gym and working out with friends but after a few weeks getting up at 6 am was no longer appealing, going after work was when everyone went to the gym and I felt embarrassed by my size.  So now I have 2 gym memberships (one I get absolutely free from my job the other I pay for) that I never use, an elliptical that sits in a storage unit, and running shoes that I am too saddened by to even wear them to go shopping in.  I turn down social opportunities and many of the people I once went out frequently with don’t even talk to me.   I don’t even want to get involved in things and have distanced myself from my church family because I feel bad about myself.

On May 11, 2013 I married the best thing that has happened to me.  It will forever be one of the best days of my life.  My life since marring JJ has been nothing but amazing and I love him more and more each day.  My husband is the most encouraging person, who wants me to be the best I can be.  He has been encouraging me for some time now to get back into working out, not because my weight bothers him, but because it bothers me.  He remembers how much better I felt about myself when I worked out.  I had a purpose and something to do instead of sit around and sulk about being fat. 

           In an effort to set myself back to a reasonable path, I decided to step on my scale.  I stepped on it a few times before my wedding but when my dress fit fine and I had all the support wear to hold together the hoover damn it was one of the furthest things on my mind.  When I stepped on the scale I was appalled that I am smack dab back to where I started.  As the tears came to my eyes I couldn't help but wonder how did this happen.  I was so bound and determined when I lost my weight to never see the 300s again but here I am back to where I was.  I know exactly how I got here.  I never intentionally gave up, but making excuses ultimately was what brought me back to where I started.

           So now what?  I guess that is the question of this whole blog post.  Now I have to decide what is important to me.  It isn’t about fitting into size 8 jeans, or hitting a number on the scale.  This fight is about my future.  My husband deserves a healthy wife to live out our old age together, my future children deserve a happy mother who can be involved with them, not just sit on the sidelines, and I deserve to feel good about myself.  I am not willing to go into further debt to make this happen, so going back to the personal trainer is out of the question at this point in our "baby step 2 Dave Ramsey get out of debt plan". I don't think that money should be my deterrent to getting healthy. I just have to decide, am I worth the effort.   It isn't going to be easy, it never was easy before.  It is time for me to choose, do I continue to give up or do I start fighting for me again... 

Its time!

This past week at my second job I had a conversation with my new manager about the things I have done in the past fitness wise.  I told how I had run in a hand full of 5k's and finished a half marathon.  Then flipped though my phone for the picture I had when I finished my half marathon.  When I saw a picture I took of myself on 9/4/11.

It was astounding to me how much weight I had gained in just the span of a year!  I had been telling myself for this past year that I had only gained a little weight, maybe 30 pounds tops but in actuality it was double that!  I tried to deny the fact that I was gaining weight even though I continued to not workout and eat crappy.  This picture was my wake up call!  I need to get myself back on track or else I was going to be more and more miserable with myself and how I failed!

Recently a Planet Fitness was being built in my city and at my primary job they offered us all free memberships the the new club... (one of the amazing perks of getting a new job where the employers care about their employees!) One of my co-workers discovered on Friday that the club was finished and was opening its doors!  Then Sunday night I received a text from another co-worker inviting me to workout at 6am.  Morning workouts would be the best for me, especially with the 2 jobs, but I never kept up any consistent effort and I gave up after just a few days, so needless to say I was skeptical with an AM workout. Having the invitation and accountability of the co-workers I see on a daily basis, I reluctantly said I would do my best to be there.

This morning a little after 6 am I had my tired body on the elliptical working out next to a co-worker.  30 minutes on the machine had me huffing and puffing but I finished!  I have a ways to get back to where I was but I am on my way!  Another 6am workout is scheduled for tomorrow with my coworkers and I plan on being there! I really want this habit to stick!

I remember how confidant I felt when I had lost weight and I want to feel that again!  It is not about a number on the scale or the size of pants I fit into... Its that feeling when I can be in public and not feel self-conscious about if my belly is sticking out or if my shirt is covering my big ol dairy-air... I didn't have to make sure in picture I was hiding in the very back and holding my chin up so I didn't look like I had a double chin... I smiled with confidence and wore my shirt tucked in.  Its time for me to feel that again!  Especially feel that way on my wedding day!  124 days until I walk down the isle... 124 days to find the inner princess I seem to have lost this past year under pounds on weight gain... The rest of my life to keep that inner princess alive and confidant!!

I am in!!

This is my year... It is time to take control again... no more excuses of not having enough time, too tired or whatever.  I am getting married on 5/11/13... My goal is to look and feel amazing!!  No number or size goal just to feel amazing on my wedding day!  Lets do this!!

Do I matter...

I struggled to write this out today but I have to be real about it all.  This is my reality and how I view what has transpired in my life over these past several months.  I gave up on my journey.  I am sure if you have read this blog in the past or just now reading this you can see that my infrequency of updating and my last few blog entries talking about my 'glass half full' meaningless attempts to get back on the wagon, I have not accomplished anything.  In all actuality I have failed.  I think I gave up on my journey long before I admitted defeat.

So where am I today... I have stopped working out with my personal trainer, which in my opinion, she gave up on me as well as me giving up on myself.  I haven't worked out since my last workout session with the trainer and I am sitting in front of my computer only 37 pounds less than when I began nearly 4 years ago.  I give the excuse that I don't have time to workout, when in all reality I never really look for time to workout.  I make small efforts to "get back on track" and keep up an image of what I used to be by walking every now and again during my breaks at work but nothing more than that.  The pass card to my gym stares me in the face daily as I get in my car, hanging from my rear view mirror taunting me of my failures.

So my question to myself today is, am I worth it, do I really matter.  Sure I have 2 jobs and online classes to keep up on but if it were something that truly mattered to me I would find the time.  Do I really want to find the time?  I chose to spend my free time with my boyfriend or just sitting around the house watching movies while my laundry is being done. I know all the right answers, what to say and who to say it to but it doesn't matter because I am the only one who can make myself get off my ass and do something about it.

I feel kind of like when I was back in school and all I did was complain about being fat all the time.  I did nothing to control my eating and never really worked out.  It is a complete no brainer why I got to be 329 pounds.  Why do I find it to be such a mental struggle to get up and do what I want to do? I get angry at myself when I see my reflection in the mirror and see that I have fallen back to where I used to be.  Did I really learn anything the couple of years I spent losing weight or was it all just for vanity, to find my mate, and now that I have him I don't care anymore.

Do I matter, the question is yes.  Now it is up to me to decide how much my weight and health matter to me.  I could just be blowing smoke up y'all butts, and mine for that matter, but its make it or break it time.  Am I going to keep beating myself up about what I have failed to keep as a lifestyle or get up and do something about it!!

Today I am going for a walk, tomorrow I have no idea but am ready to stop seeing myself as a failure and to begin succeeding again.

My Reality

I had not planned on stopping writing on this blog nor had I planned on being in the spot to where I am today but we all have set backs, but its how we respond to the set backs that makes or breaks the situation.  I have thought on many occasions about updating the blog but alas I did not want to have another post were I was admitting I was failing.  I like to keep it all upbeat and having a positive outlook on things but I have been struggling this past year on keeping that up.

My reality today... I weigh 275 pounds, I no longer fit into my size 16 jeans, my size 18's cut into my stomach so much, creating a muffin top even spanx can't fix!  It is hard to admit to myself that I let my guard down and slacked on my discipline but my pants don't lie.  I have a few select clothes I can fit into these days because I had given away or sold my old "fat" clothes. 

At the end of July I picked up a second job at Target and worked there for 2 weeks.  I was then offered a job at Vitamin Shoppe, which was where I first applied when looking for a second job, and I quickly jumped at the chance and quit Target to work at VS.  I just completed my 90 days at VS and am totally enjoying working there and learning a ton about vitamins and supplements. 

Since picking up the second job though I put on almost 10 pounds!  From working 10 hour days at my primary job to then leave there to go directly to my second job for an additional 4 hours, it greatly limited my time.  I still continue to workout with my personal trainer on Mondays but that was the only time I was able to get any exercise in during the week.

A month ago in an effort to take charge of my finances, I moved back home with my parents when my lease termed on my apartment.  These past 6 months have been a lot to deal with.  On top of my 2 jobs, and moving home I still had to find time to fit in some quality time with my amazing boyfriend. 

In the past few weeks I have begun to feel like I am getting a rhythm juggling all the things I have going on right now.  It took me a while to adjust to everything but I finally feel like I am in a place where things make more since and I don't feel dead dog tired at the end of the day.  As I began to resurface to reality, the reality of my weight started weighing really heavy on me.  I do not want to go back to where I was, in my weight or in my life. 

Today I took the first step into getting back on track... I joined a gym.  The gym is 24 hours and close to both were I live and work.  So my re-start plan is to go workout in the evenings after I get off my second job on Tuesdays and Thursdays.  In as much as the idea of working out in the mornings before I start my first job is ideal, the reality of me actually getting my "not a morning person" booty out of bed that early is pretty far fetched.  So I am starting at a place where I know I can do it!  Then as I begin to incorporate exercise back into my daily routine I might find another place to interject more fitness.

My reality today...  I weight 275 pounds.  My reality for tomorrow is I am going to do all that I can to not make that number go any higher and start going in the right direction!!

lessons in life!

After months of struggling with everything I have begun to lose weight again!!  Whoo Hoo!!!  I realized when I wrote my last blog post that I still had a lot of things to learn about along my journey, obviously, as my weight had climbed back up to 270 pounds!  Over the past few weeks I have come to many personal conclusions. 

I realized after the death of my cousin that we really only truly have one life to live and it is up to us how we live it.  This began to relate to other aspects in my life besides weight loss, to also include my finances.  Now I admit I in the past I had been diligent about money and so forth but in the past 2 or so years I had thrown a monthly budget out the window and, as long as I had money in the bank, I felt I was doing ok.  Slowly it became easier to 'defer' payment for instant gratification with a credit card.

I was forced to sit down this past month and seriously take a look at my finances after, a thought to be set plan, was prematurely adjusted at no fault of my own.  I sat down and had to go back to each penny spent, categorize, and justify the need.  After many revisions of my budget I began to realize the error of my ways.  I have a lot of knowledge of how to create and stick to a budget but the knowledge does not good if the information is not applied and the numbers put on paper to show the true cash flow. 

In the same way, these past 2 and a half years have expanded my knowledge of fitness, exercise and diet.  However, what I have learned does me absolutely no good just sitting in my brain, it has to be applied.  So I have begun to bring more strict regiments back into my life. 

As of today I am back down to 259 and back on track to losing 100 pounds!!  I can also say that having a tight budget has greatly aided in bring my eating and diet under control too. :) I will not be able to keep all the luxuries and things I have had in enjoyed the past. I have made the decision that to continue paying for boot camp classes is not allotted for in my budget, and have begun a search to get a second job to help pay off my debts faster.

It is amazing to me how easy we can cast aside the things we think we have "all under control".  This past month has been a hard lesson in the fact that nothing is ever under control!!  BUT I am getting on track again with my weight loss and finances and am heading in the right direction.  I am thankful that it isn't too late and that I have an opportunity to really turn things around and plan for a much better future!! 

Truth...

Its has been a rough journey lately.  A while back I had downloaded a calorie tracking app on my phone but had not really used it honestly.  Last week I began to track my food and realized, although I was making 'healthy' decisions I was eating a lot more calories. I though I was consuming around 1200 to 1400 a day when in actuality it was closer to 1700 to 2000!! 

In a way I feel as though I had given up on this journey.  I talk a good game and can tell you all exactly what I need to do but when it came down to it, I didn't follow through.  Yes, I workout 4 days a week regularly but my eating and exercise discipline outside of my structured personal training and boot camp is not there.  I have a million excuses to give but it all boils down to the fact that I don't want to do it.  I tried running the other day and for some reason felt ridiculous running down the street and gave up, turned around and went back home.  Although I can say with some prompting from my friend and my mom, I did sign up and walk the Hog Jog this year again, for tradition sake.    

My boyfriend is a great support... almost too good of a support.  He loves me at my current size but ultimately he just wants me to be happy.  I don't want to be one of those girls who constant looks for acceptance in a relationship over her body size but I want to be confident in who I am and how I look.   I am thankful that he understands my struggle with my weight and he does what he can to help me and make me feel better. I am truly blessed to have him in my life.


I recently experienced the death of a cousin that really had me examine things in my life.  Although exercise and eating right are important in life, in the end, it doesn't matter the hours spent in the gym or how many salads I ate... its about the people who have been affected by my life.  My cousin was only 38 years old but the stories and lives that had been touched by her smile and kind heart fill way more than 38 years. 

I say this all the time but this time it is different, I am not giving up... I have been set back, I have gained weight, but I am going to persevere. I don't want this slump to keep me down.  It is going to be a slow process to get back to where I was before and it is going to take honesty and dedication to not give into the temptation to throw the towel in... so these first few steps back on track are for my cousin Kim.

back to basics

This week as I pondered over all the things going on in my life I began to notice a trend.  I don't know if it is just me but I tend to over think and over complicate things.  My weight loss is a perfect example.  At the beginning I was exercising and keeping myself accountable for what I ate.  I lost weight and I was happy and proud of it all.  As time went on I listened to podcasts, read books and watched shows about tons of weight loss crap hoping to gain more knowledge.  So me being the complicated person I am, I took a simple 1+1 equation and began adding tons of variables making it a complete mess.

I am not saying all the variables I tried adding aren't important.  At this point in my journey though I think I need to get back to the basics.  Its like I began focusing on the variables and not the actual task at hand.  I need to get back to remembering 1+1.  All this math reference is giving me a headache! :)

It is hard for me to say I have to start back back at the basics.  I have accomplished a lot in my weight loss so far but I feel I have forgotten some of the fundamentals that are the foundation.  I can say, I am not starting at square one and I am going to keep a positive outlook on it all.

 
So its time for me to stop sitting on the bench and spinning my wheels.  Tomorrow starts a new month June 1 and that is a new beginning.  The number on the scale is a fresh start it doesn't matter what I have accomplished or failed in the past.  There is going to be some changes I have to make and I can't do it all the same as I did before because my life is different than it was before.  I just have to keep it simple and put one foot in front of the other. 

"Its not over until you win!" Les Brown

Make it a great day

My senior year of high school I took a psychology class and at the end of every class my teacher would say something like "make it a great day and do something positive". I struggled a lot in school with a negative self image and depression, to hear, make it a great day, seemed foreign to me back then. 

It is amazing to me looking back on my life and see the things I feel I could have changed.  The more I reflect on it though, the more I realize, those battles, struggles, and defeats are what has molded me into the person I am today.  There is always going to be those thing in our lives where we say "I could have done better" but we can't change what has been, we can only look forward to what will be.

Although it is still a struggle, I am starting to get my groove back.  I have had to revamp my schedule to allow time for all the things I enjoy. I am getting my eating and food back on track. 

At the finale of the last boot camp, my weigh in showed an 8 pound weight gain in 6 weeks.  I am not gonna lie, I was really upset.  I shed a few tears of frustration but my friends and boyfriend rallied around me and helped me look beyond my current circumstance and see my future potential.

Today, I chose to make it a great day. Each decision is a choice to do better than I did yesterday.  I chose to not focus on my weight or any numbers pertaining to my size.  The decisions I make today will be to make today more positive and not to try and make a more positive day in the future.  I will not allow the scale to determine my success or failure. It is my choice to chose success or failure no matter what the circumstance in front of me. 

So make it a great day and do something positive!!