Giving up

A while back I had an impromptu meeting on my trip to Target.  I ran into my old personal trainer.  As you all might have guessed or if you have seen me, I am pretty sure I have gained my weight back that I lost 2-3 years ago.  As I saw her I wanted to hide but there was nowhere to go. I was waiting to get “the look”… anyone who has battled their weight know what I am talking about, that disappointed mother look, people give you when they see that all the weight you is now back, it is horrifying to see people give you that look and frankly it makes me want to lock myself away.  She however did not show me “the look”, she asked about my life and invited me back to join the classes.  She might have been giving me the look in the back of her head but from what I could tell her reaction to seeing me was not in disgust of my weight gain. 

As  time went by, working 2 jobs, money problems, keeping up a relationship, engagement and marriage, job change, and then my own disappointment and embarrassment of my weight gain held me back from keeping up with working out.  I went on spurts here and there with going to the gym and working out with friends but after a few weeks getting up at 6 am was no longer appealing, going after work was when everyone went to the gym and I felt embarrassed by my size.  So now I have 2 gym memberships (one I get absolutely free from my job the other I pay for) that I never use, an elliptical that sits in a storage unit, and running shoes that I am too saddened by to even wear them to go shopping in.  I turn down social opportunities and many of the people I once went out frequently with don’t even talk to me.   I don’t even want to get involved in things and have distanced myself from my church family because I feel bad about myself.

On May 11, 2013 I married the best thing that has happened to me.  It will forever be one of the best days of my life.  My life since marring JJ has been nothing but amazing and I love him more and more each day.  My husband is the most encouraging person, who wants me to be the best I can be.  He has been encouraging me for some time now to get back into working out, not because my weight bothers him, but because it bothers me.  He remembers how much better I felt about myself when I worked out.  I had a purpose and something to do instead of sit around and sulk about being fat. 

           In an effort to set myself back to a reasonable path, I decided to step on my scale.  I stepped on it a few times before my wedding but when my dress fit fine and I had all the support wear to hold together the hoover damn it was one of the furthest things on my mind.  When I stepped on the scale I was appalled that I am smack dab back to where I started.  As the tears came to my eyes I couldn't help but wonder how did this happen.  I was so bound and determined when I lost my weight to never see the 300s again but here I am back to where I was.  I know exactly how I got here.  I never intentionally gave up, but making excuses ultimately was what brought me back to where I started.

           So now what?  I guess that is the question of this whole blog post.  Now I have to decide what is important to me.  It isn’t about fitting into size 8 jeans, or hitting a number on the scale.  This fight is about my future.  My husband deserves a healthy wife to live out our old age together, my future children deserve a happy mother who can be involved with them, not just sit on the sidelines, and I deserve to feel good about myself.  I am not willing to go into further debt to make this happen, so going back to the personal trainer is out of the question at this point in our "baby step 2 Dave Ramsey get out of debt plan". I don't think that money should be my deterrent to getting healthy. I just have to decide, am I worth the effort.   It isn't going to be easy, it never was easy before.  It is time for me to choose, do I continue to give up or do I start fighting for me again... 

Its time!

This past week at my second job I had a conversation with my new manager about the things I have done in the past fitness wise.  I told how I had run in a hand full of 5k's and finished a half marathon.  Then flipped though my phone for the picture I had when I finished my half marathon.  When I saw a picture I took of myself on 9/4/11.

It was astounding to me how much weight I had gained in just the span of a year!  I had been telling myself for this past year that I had only gained a little weight, maybe 30 pounds tops but in actuality it was double that!  I tried to deny the fact that I was gaining weight even though I continued to not workout and eat crappy.  This picture was my wake up call!  I need to get myself back on track or else I was going to be more and more miserable with myself and how I failed!

Recently a Planet Fitness was being built in my city and at my primary job they offered us all free memberships the the new club... (one of the amazing perks of getting a new job where the employers care about their employees!) One of my co-workers discovered on Friday that the club was finished and was opening its doors!  Then Sunday night I received a text from another co-worker inviting me to workout at 6am.  Morning workouts would be the best for me, especially with the 2 jobs, but I never kept up any consistent effort and I gave up after just a few days, so needless to say I was skeptical with an AM workout. Having the invitation and accountability of the co-workers I see on a daily basis, I reluctantly said I would do my best to be there.

This morning a little after 6 am I had my tired body on the elliptical working out next to a co-worker.  30 minutes on the machine had me huffing and puffing but I finished!  I have a ways to get back to where I was but I am on my way!  Another 6am workout is scheduled for tomorrow with my coworkers and I plan on being there! I really want this habit to stick!

I remember how confidant I felt when I had lost weight and I want to feel that again!  It is not about a number on the scale or the size of pants I fit into... Its that feeling when I can be in public and not feel self-conscious about if my belly is sticking out or if my shirt is covering my big ol dairy-air... I didn't have to make sure in picture I was hiding in the very back and holding my chin up so I didn't look like I had a double chin... I smiled with confidence and wore my shirt tucked in.  Its time for me to feel that again!  Especially feel that way on my wedding day!  124 days until I walk down the isle... 124 days to find the inner princess I seem to have lost this past year under pounds on weight gain... The rest of my life to keep that inner princess alive and confidant!!

I am in!!

This is my year... It is time to take control again... no more excuses of not having enough time, too tired or whatever.  I am getting married on 5/11/13... My goal is to look and feel amazing!!  No number or size goal just to feel amazing on my wedding day!  Lets do this!!