A while back I had an impromptu meeting on
my trip to Target. I ran into my old
personal trainer. As you all might have
guessed or if you have seen me, I am pretty sure I have gained my weight back
that I lost 2-3 years ago. As I saw her
I wanted to hide but there was nowhere to go. I was waiting to get “the look”…
anyone who has battled their weight know what I am talking about, that
disappointed mother look, people give you when they see that all the weight you
is now back, it is horrifying to see people give you that look and frankly it
makes me want to lock myself away. She
however did not show me “the look”, she asked about my life and invited me back
to join the classes. She might have been
giving me the look in the back of her head but from what I could tell her
reaction to seeing me was not in disgust of my weight gain.
As time went by, working 2 jobs, money problems,
keeping up a relationship, engagement and marriage, job change, and then my own
disappointment and embarrassment of my weight gain held me back from keeping up
with working out. I went on spurts here
and there with going to the gym and working out with friends but after a few
weeks getting up at 6 am was no longer appealing, going after work was when
everyone went to the gym and I felt embarrassed by my size. So now I have 2 gym memberships (one I get
absolutely free from my job the other I pay for) that I never use, an
elliptical that sits in a storage unit, and running shoes that I am too
saddened by to even wear them to go shopping in. I turn down social opportunities and many of
the people I once went out frequently with don’t even talk to me. I don’t even want to get involved in things
and have distanced myself from my church family because I feel bad about
myself.
On May 11, 2013 I married the best
thing that has happened to me. It will forever be one of the best days of my life. My life since marring JJ has been nothing but amazing and I love him more and more each day. My
husband is the most encouraging person, who wants me to be the best I can
be. He has been encouraging me for some
time now to get back into working out, not because my weight bothers him, but
because it bothers me. He remembers how much better I felt about myself when I worked out. I had a purpose and something to do instead of sit around and sulk about being fat.
In an effort to set myself back
to a reasonable path, I decided to step on my scale. I stepped on it a few times before my wedding
but when my dress fit fine and I had all the support wear to hold together the
hoover damn it was one of the furthest things on my mind. When I stepped on the scale I was appalled
that I am smack dab back to where I started.
As the tears came to my eyes I couldn't help but wonder how did this
happen. I was so bound and determined
when I lost my weight to never see the 300s again but here I am back to where I
was. I know exactly how I got here. I never intentionally gave up, but making
excuses ultimately was what brought me back to where I started.
So now what? I guess that is the question of this whole
blog post. Now I have to decide what is
important to me. It isn’t about fitting
into size 8 jeans, or hitting a number on the scale. This fight is about my future. My husband deserves a healthy wife to live
out our old age together, my future children deserve a happy mother who can be
involved with them, not just sit on the sidelines, and I deserve to feel good
about myself. I am not
willing to go into further debt to make this happen, so going back to the
personal trainer is out of the question at this point in our "baby step 2 Dave Ramsey get out of debt plan". I don't think that money should be my deterrent to getting healthy. I just have to decide, am I worth the effort. It isn't going to be easy, it never was easy before. It is time for me to choose, do I continue to give up or do I start fighting for me again...
