Do I matter...

I struggled to write this out today but I have to be real about it all.  This is my reality and how I view what has transpired in my life over these past several months.  I gave up on my journey.  I am sure if you have read this blog in the past or just now reading this you can see that my infrequency of updating and my last few blog entries talking about my 'glass half full' meaningless attempts to get back on the wagon, I have not accomplished anything.  In all actuality I have failed.  I think I gave up on my journey long before I admitted defeat.

So where am I today... I have stopped working out with my personal trainer, which in my opinion, she gave up on me as well as me giving up on myself.  I haven't worked out since my last workout session with the trainer and I am sitting in front of my computer only 37 pounds less than when I began nearly 4 years ago.  I give the excuse that I don't have time to workout, when in all reality I never really look for time to workout.  I make small efforts to "get back on track" and keep up an image of what I used to be by walking every now and again during my breaks at work but nothing more than that.  The pass card to my gym stares me in the face daily as I get in my car, hanging from my rear view mirror taunting me of my failures.

So my question to myself today is, am I worth it, do I really matter.  Sure I have 2 jobs and online classes to keep up on but if it were something that truly mattered to me I would find the time.  Do I really want to find the time?  I chose to spend my free time with my boyfriend or just sitting around the house watching movies while my laundry is being done. I know all the right answers, what to say and who to say it to but it doesn't matter because I am the only one who can make myself get off my ass and do something about it.

I feel kind of like when I was back in school and all I did was complain about being fat all the time.  I did nothing to control my eating and never really worked out.  It is a complete no brainer why I got to be 329 pounds.  Why do I find it to be such a mental struggle to get up and do what I want to do? I get angry at myself when I see my reflection in the mirror and see that I have fallen back to where I used to be.  Did I really learn anything the couple of years I spent losing weight or was it all just for vanity, to find my mate, and now that I have him I don't care anymore.

Do I matter, the question is yes.  Now it is up to me to decide how much my weight and health matter to me.  I could just be blowing smoke up y'all butts, and mine for that matter, but its make it or break it time.  Am I going to keep beating myself up about what I have failed to keep as a lifestyle or get up and do something about it!!

Today I am going for a walk, tomorrow I have no idea but am ready to stop seeing myself as a failure and to begin succeeding again.