I struggled to write this out today but I have to be real about it all. This is my reality and how I view what has transpired in my life over these past several months. I gave up on my journey. I am sure if you have read this blog in the past or just now reading this you can see that my infrequency of updating and my last few blog entries talking about my 'glass half full' meaningless attempts to get back on the wagon, I have not accomplished anything. In all actuality I have failed. I think I gave up on my journey long before I admitted defeat.
So where am I today... I have stopped working out with my personal trainer, which in my opinion, she gave up on me as well as me giving up on myself. I haven't worked out since my last workout session with the trainer and I am sitting in front of my computer only 37 pounds less than when I began nearly 4 years ago. I give the excuse that I don't have time to workout, when in all reality I never really look for time to workout. I make small efforts to "get back on track" and keep up an image of what I used to be by walking every now and again during my breaks at work but nothing more than that. The pass card to my gym stares me in the face daily as I get in my car, hanging from my rear view mirror taunting me of my failures.
So my question to myself today is, am I worth it, do I really matter. Sure I have 2 jobs and online classes to keep up on but if it were something that truly mattered to me I would find the time. Do I really want to find the time? I chose to spend my free time with my boyfriend or just sitting around the house watching movies while my laundry is being done. I know all the right answers, what to say and who to say it to but it doesn't matter because I am the only one who can make myself get off my ass and do something about it.
I feel kind of like when I was back in school and all I did was complain about being fat all the time. I did nothing to control my eating and never really worked out. It is a complete no brainer why I got to be 329 pounds. Why do I find it to be such a mental struggle to get up and do what I want to do? I get angry at myself when I see my reflection in the mirror and see that I have fallen back to where I used to be. Did I really learn anything the couple of years I spent losing weight or was it all just for vanity, to find my mate, and now that I have him I don't care anymore.
Do I matter, the question is yes. Now it is up to me to decide how much my weight and health matter to me. I could just be blowing smoke up y'all butts, and mine for that matter, but its make it or break it time. Am I going to keep beating myself up about what I have failed to keep as a lifestyle or get up and do something about it!!
Today I am going for a walk, tomorrow I have no idea but am ready to stop seeing myself as a failure and to begin succeeding again.
Monday, May 28, 2012
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
My Reality
I had not planned on stopping writing on this blog nor had I planned on being in the spot to where I am today but we all have set backs, but its how we respond to the set backs that makes or breaks the situation. I have thought on many occasions about updating the blog but alas I did not want to have another post were I was admitting I was failing. I like to keep it all upbeat and having a positive outlook on things but I have been struggling this past year on keeping that up.
My reality today... I weigh 275 pounds, I no longer fit into my size 16 jeans, my size 18's cut into my stomach so much, creating a muffin top even spanx can't fix! It is hard to admit to myself that I let my guard down and slacked on my discipline but my pants don't lie. I have a few select clothes I can fit into these days because I had given away or sold my old "fat" clothes.
At the end of July I picked up a second job at Target and worked there for 2 weeks. I was then offered a job at Vitamin Shoppe, which was where I first applied when looking for a second job, and I quickly jumped at the chance and quit Target to work at VS. I just completed my 90 days at VS and am totally enjoying working there and learning a ton about vitamins and supplements.
Since picking up the second job though I put on almost 10 pounds! From working 10 hour days at my primary job to then leave there to go directly to my second job for an additional 4 hours, it greatly limited my time. I still continue to workout with my personal trainer on Mondays but that was the only time I was able to get any exercise in during the week.
A month ago in an effort to take charge of my finances, I moved back home with my parents when my lease termed on my apartment. These past 6 months have been a lot to deal with. On top of my 2 jobs, and moving home I still had to find time to fit in some quality time with my amazing boyfriend.
In the past few weeks I have begun to feel like I am getting a rhythm juggling all the things I have going on right now. It took me a while to adjust to everything but I finally feel like I am in a place where things make more since and I don't feel dead dog tired at the end of the day. As I began to resurface to reality, the reality of my weight started weighing really heavy on me. I do not want to go back to where I was, in my weight or in my life.
Today I took the first step into getting back on track... I joined a gym. The gym is 24 hours and close to both were I live and work. So my re-start plan is to go workout in the evenings after I get off my second job on Tuesdays and Thursdays. In as much as the idea of working out in the mornings before I start my first job is ideal, the reality of me actually getting my "not a morning person" booty out of bed that early is pretty far fetched. So I am starting at a place where I know I can do it! Then as I begin to incorporate exercise back into my daily routine I might find another place to interject more fitness.
My reality today... I weight 275 pounds. My reality for tomorrow is I am going to do all that I can to not make that number go any higher and start going in the right direction!!
My reality today... I weigh 275 pounds, I no longer fit into my size 16 jeans, my size 18's cut into my stomach so much, creating a muffin top even spanx can't fix! It is hard to admit to myself that I let my guard down and slacked on my discipline but my pants don't lie. I have a few select clothes I can fit into these days because I had given away or sold my old "fat" clothes.
At the end of July I picked up a second job at Target and worked there for 2 weeks. I was then offered a job at Vitamin Shoppe, which was where I first applied when looking for a second job, and I quickly jumped at the chance and quit Target to work at VS. I just completed my 90 days at VS and am totally enjoying working there and learning a ton about vitamins and supplements.
Since picking up the second job though I put on almost 10 pounds! From working 10 hour days at my primary job to then leave there to go directly to my second job for an additional 4 hours, it greatly limited my time. I still continue to workout with my personal trainer on Mondays but that was the only time I was able to get any exercise in during the week.
A month ago in an effort to take charge of my finances, I moved back home with my parents when my lease termed on my apartment. These past 6 months have been a lot to deal with. On top of my 2 jobs, and moving home I still had to find time to fit in some quality time with my amazing boyfriend.
In the past few weeks I have begun to feel like I am getting a rhythm juggling all the things I have going on right now. It took me a while to adjust to everything but I finally feel like I am in a place where things make more since and I don't feel dead dog tired at the end of the day. As I began to resurface to reality, the reality of my weight started weighing really heavy on me. I do not want to go back to where I was, in my weight or in my life.
Today I took the first step into getting back on track... I joined a gym. The gym is 24 hours and close to both were I live and work. So my re-start plan is to go workout in the evenings after I get off my second job on Tuesdays and Thursdays. In as much as the idea of working out in the mornings before I start my first job is ideal, the reality of me actually getting my "not a morning person" booty out of bed that early is pretty far fetched. So I am starting at a place where I know I can do it! Then as I begin to incorporate exercise back into my daily routine I might find another place to interject more fitness.
My reality today... I weight 275 pounds. My reality for tomorrow is I am going to do all that I can to not make that number go any higher and start going in the right direction!!
Sunday, July 17, 2011
lessons in life!
After months of struggling with everything I have begun to lose weight again!! Whoo Hoo!!! I realized when I wrote my last blog post that I still had a lot of things to learn about along my journey, obviously, as my weight had climbed back up to 270 pounds! Over the past few weeks I have come to many personal conclusions.
I realized after the death of my cousin that we really only truly have one life to live and it is up to us how we live it. This began to relate to other aspects in my life besides weight loss, to also include my finances. Now I admit I in the past I had been diligent about money and so forth but in the past 2 or so years I had thrown a monthly budget out the window and, as long as I had money in the bank, I felt I was doing ok. Slowly it became easier to 'defer' payment for instant gratification with a credit card.
I was forced to sit down this past month and seriously take a look at my finances after, a thought to be set plan, was prematurely adjusted at no fault of my own. I sat down and had to go back to each penny spent, categorize, and justify the need. After many revisions of my budget I began to realize the error of my ways. I have a lot of knowledge of how to create and stick to a budget but the knowledge does not good if the information is not applied and the numbers put on paper to show the true cash flow.
In the same way, these past 2 and a half years have expanded my knowledge of fitness, exercise and diet. However, what I have learned does me absolutely no good just sitting in my brain, it has to be applied. So I have begun to bring more strict regiments back into my life.
As of today I am back down to 259 and back on track to losing 100 pounds!! I can also say that having a tight budget has greatly aided in bring my eating and diet under control too. :) I will not be able to keep all the luxuries and things I have had in enjoyed the past. I have made the decision that to continue paying for boot camp classes is not allotted for in my budget, and have begun a search to get a second job to help pay off my debts faster.
It is amazing to me how easy we can cast aside the things we think we have "all under control". This past month has been a hard lesson in the fact that nothing is ever under control!! BUT I am getting on track again with my weight loss and finances and am heading in the right direction. I am thankful that it isn't too late and that I have an opportunity to really turn things around and plan for a much better future!!
I realized after the death of my cousin that we really only truly have one life to live and it is up to us how we live it. This began to relate to other aspects in my life besides weight loss, to also include my finances. Now I admit I in the past I had been diligent about money and so forth but in the past 2 or so years I had thrown a monthly budget out the window and, as long as I had money in the bank, I felt I was doing ok. Slowly it became easier to 'defer' payment for instant gratification with a credit card.
I was forced to sit down this past month and seriously take a look at my finances after, a thought to be set plan, was prematurely adjusted at no fault of my own. I sat down and had to go back to each penny spent, categorize, and justify the need. After many revisions of my budget I began to realize the error of my ways. I have a lot of knowledge of how to create and stick to a budget but the knowledge does not good if the information is not applied and the numbers put on paper to show the true cash flow.
In the same way, these past 2 and a half years have expanded my knowledge of fitness, exercise and diet. However, what I have learned does me absolutely no good just sitting in my brain, it has to be applied. So I have begun to bring more strict regiments back into my life.
As of today I am back down to 259 and back on track to losing 100 pounds!! I can also say that having a tight budget has greatly aided in bring my eating and diet under control too. :) I will not be able to keep all the luxuries and things I have had in enjoyed the past. I have made the decision that to continue paying for boot camp classes is not allotted for in my budget, and have begun a search to get a second job to help pay off my debts faster.
It is amazing to me how easy we can cast aside the things we think we have "all under control". This past month has been a hard lesson in the fact that nothing is ever under control!! BUT I am getting on track again with my weight loss and finances and am heading in the right direction. I am thankful that it isn't too late and that I have an opportunity to really turn things around and plan for a much better future!!
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Truth...
Its has been a rough journey lately. A while back I had downloaded a calorie tracking app on my phone but had not really used it honestly. Last week I began to track my food and realized, although I was making 'healthy' decisions I was eating a lot more calories. I though I was consuming around 1200 to 1400 a day when in actuality it was closer to 1700 to 2000!!
In a way I feel as though I had given up on this journey. I talk a good game and can tell you all exactly what I need to do but when it came down to it, I didn't follow through. Yes, I workout 4 days a week regularly but my eating and exercise discipline outside of my structured personal training and boot camp is not there. I have a million excuses to give but it all boils down to the fact that I don't want to do it. I tried running the other day and for some reason felt ridiculous running down the street and gave up, turned around and went back home. Although I can say with some prompting from my friend and my mom, I did sign up and walk the Hog Jog this year again, for tradition sake.
My boyfriend is a great support... almost too good of a support. He loves me at my current size but ultimately he just wants me to be happy. I don't want to be one of those girls who constant looks for acceptance in a relationship over her body size but I want to be confident in who I am and how I look. I am thankful that he understands my struggle with my weight and he does what he can to help me and make me feel better. I am truly blessed to have him in my life.
I recently experienced the death of a cousin that really had me examine things in my life. Although exercise and eating right are important in life, in the end, it doesn't matter the hours spent in the gym or how many salads I ate... its about the people who have been affected by my life. My cousin was only 38 years old but the stories and lives that had been touched by her smile and kind heart fill way more than 38 years.
I say this all the time but this time it is different, I am not giving up... I have been set back, I have gained weight, but I am going to persevere. I don't want this slump to keep me down. It is going to be a slow process to get back to where I was before and it is going to take honesty and dedication to not give into the temptation to throw the towel in... so these first few steps back on track are for my cousin Kim.
In a way I feel as though I had given up on this journey. I talk a good game and can tell you all exactly what I need to do but when it came down to it, I didn't follow through. Yes, I workout 4 days a week regularly but my eating and exercise discipline outside of my structured personal training and boot camp is not there. I have a million excuses to give but it all boils down to the fact that I don't want to do it. I tried running the other day and for some reason felt ridiculous running down the street and gave up, turned around and went back home. Although I can say with some prompting from my friend and my mom, I did sign up and walk the Hog Jog this year again, for tradition sake.
My boyfriend is a great support... almost too good of a support. He loves me at my current size but ultimately he just wants me to be happy. I don't want to be one of those girls who constant looks for acceptance in a relationship over her body size but I want to be confident in who I am and how I look. I am thankful that he understands my struggle with my weight and he does what he can to help me and make me feel better. I am truly blessed to have him in my life.
I recently experienced the death of a cousin that really had me examine things in my life. Although exercise and eating right are important in life, in the end, it doesn't matter the hours spent in the gym or how many salads I ate... its about the people who have been affected by my life. My cousin was only 38 years old but the stories and lives that had been touched by her smile and kind heart fill way more than 38 years.
I say this all the time but this time it is different, I am not giving up... I have been set back, I have gained weight, but I am going to persevere. I don't want this slump to keep me down. It is going to be a slow process to get back to where I was before and it is going to take honesty and dedication to not give into the temptation to throw the towel in... so these first few steps back on track are for my cousin Kim.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
back to basics
This week as I pondered over all the things going on in my life I began to notice a trend. I don't know if it is just me but I tend to over think and over complicate things. My weight loss is a perfect example. At the beginning I was exercising and keeping myself accountable for what I ate. I lost weight and I was happy and proud of it all. As time went on I listened to podcasts, read books and watched shows about tons of weight loss crap hoping to gain more knowledge. So me being the complicated person I am, I took a simple 1+1 equation and began adding tons of variables making it a complete mess.
I am not saying all the variables I tried adding aren't important. At this point in my journey though I think I need to get back to the basics. Its like I began focusing on the variables and not the actual task at hand. I need to get back to remembering 1+1. All this math reference is giving me a headache! :)
It is hard for me to say I have to start back back at the basics. I have accomplished a lot in my weight loss so far but I feel I have forgotten some of the fundamentals that are the foundation. I can say, I am not starting at square one and I am going to keep a positive outlook on it all.
So its time for me to stop sitting on the bench and spinning my wheels. Tomorrow starts a new month June 1 and that is a new beginning. The number on the scale is a fresh start it doesn't matter what I have accomplished or failed in the past. There is going to be some changes I have to make and I can't do it all the same as I did before because my life is different than it was before. I just have to keep it simple and put one foot in front of the other.
I am not saying all the variables I tried adding aren't important. At this point in my journey though I think I need to get back to the basics. Its like I began focusing on the variables and not the actual task at hand. I need to get back to remembering 1+1. All this math reference is giving me a headache! :)
It is hard for me to say I have to start back back at the basics. I have accomplished a lot in my weight loss so far but I feel I have forgotten some of the fundamentals that are the foundation. I can say, I am not starting at square one and I am going to keep a positive outlook on it all.
So its time for me to stop sitting on the bench and spinning my wheels. Tomorrow starts a new month June 1 and that is a new beginning. The number on the scale is a fresh start it doesn't matter what I have accomplished or failed in the past. There is going to be some changes I have to make and I can't do it all the same as I did before because my life is different than it was before. I just have to keep it simple and put one foot in front of the other.
"Its not over until you win!" Les Brown
Thursday, May 12, 2011
Make it a great day
My senior year of high school I took a psychology class and at the end of every class my teacher would say something like "make it a great day and do something positive". I struggled a lot in school with a negative self image and depression, to hear, make it a great day, seemed foreign to me back then.
It is amazing to me looking back on my life and see the things I feel I could have changed. The more I reflect on it though, the more I realize, those battles, struggles, and defeats are what has molded me into the person I am today. There is always going to be those thing in our lives where we say "I could have done better" but we can't change what has been, we can only look forward to what will be.
Although it is still a struggle, I am starting to get my groove back. I have had to revamp my schedule to allow time for all the things I enjoy. I am getting my eating and food back on track.
At the finale of the last boot camp, my weigh in showed an 8 pound weight gain in 6 weeks. I am not gonna lie, I was really upset. I shed a few tears of frustration but my friends and boyfriend rallied around me and helped me look beyond my current circumstance and see my future potential.
Today, I chose to make it a great day. Each decision is a choice to do better than I did yesterday. I chose to not focus on my weight or any numbers pertaining to my size. The decisions I make today will be to make today more positive and not to try and make a more positive day in the future. I will not allow the scale to determine my success or failure. It is my choice to chose success or failure no matter what the circumstance in front of me.
So make it a great day and do something positive!!
Monday, May 2, 2011
Step by step
I have been working on staying on track and have found that I still have to constantly remind myself to keep going. Quitting would be the easy thing to do at this point. With each step forward though, I feel like I am gaining some confidence back.
I went for a run in my new shoes last week and felt pretty good. In my workouts I have been trying to step it up a bit and push myself to not stop during my exercises. When I went for my run last week there as another runner running the same route as me. I felt a little disheartened when he passed me a second time going the same direction as me. I had to remind myself though that I have all you guys motivating me. It doesn't matter that the other runner was twice as fast as me, all that matters is I had my butt outside and I was doing it.
So many times I compare my journey to the people around me. This person lost more weight than me and that person is losing it faster than me. But this is my journey and by comparing myself to what others have accomplished will only hurt me. I can only compare myself to myself. I know what I have accomplished and what I can do to improve. I am fighting my way back into the race and running to make a difference.
By the way, I have yet to get on the scale to check if I have gained or lost any weight. It stresses me out a bit but I need to just focus on making healthy decisions and not let the scale determine my success in the decisions I make.
Thanks everyone for your support, and motivation. I will not let you down, I promise!
P.S. I have had some inquiries about being able to get an e-mail showing when I update my blog. I have found a way to do that so if you are interested there is a link on the left side of the page where you can enter your e-mail address. There will be an e-mail sent to your inbox and once you confirm your e-mail you will receive a direct e-mail with my updated blog posts! Feel free to share with anyone whom you think my story will help motivate and inspire.
I went for a run in my new shoes last week and felt pretty good. In my workouts I have been trying to step it up a bit and push myself to not stop during my exercises. When I went for my run last week there as another runner running the same route as me. I felt a little disheartened when he passed me a second time going the same direction as me. I had to remind myself though that I have all you guys motivating me. It doesn't matter that the other runner was twice as fast as me, all that matters is I had my butt outside and I was doing it.
So many times I compare my journey to the people around me. This person lost more weight than me and that person is losing it faster than me. But this is my journey and by comparing myself to what others have accomplished will only hurt me. I can only compare myself to myself. I know what I have accomplished and what I can do to improve. I am fighting my way back into the race and running to make a difference.
By the way, I have yet to get on the scale to check if I have gained or lost any weight. It stresses me out a bit but I need to just focus on making healthy decisions and not let the scale determine my success in the decisions I make.
Thanks everyone for your support, and motivation. I will not let you down, I promise!
P.S. I have had some inquiries about being able to get an e-mail showing when I update my blog. I have found a way to do that so if you are interested there is a link on the left side of the page where you can enter your e-mail address. There will be an e-mail sent to your inbox and once you confirm your e-mail you will receive a direct e-mail with my updated blog posts! Feel free to share with anyone whom you think my story will help motivate and inspire.
Thursday, April 21, 2011
What is my motivation?
Why am I working on losing weight? I used to say its because I don't want to be fat. Although I am still big, I don't necessarily see myself as fat anymore. So why do I want to keep going? I am not satisfied where I am at and I know that I have so much more potential if I keep going, I just have to find my "why".
After having a conversation with my trainer about my lack of motivation she gave me some advice. First, get rid of my scale. That number many times hangs over my head and putting that number in my face every week is not encouraging me to keep going. So I put my scale under my bed. Even though I didn't get rid of it, I have put it in a place where I can not easily jump on and check myself. Next, I know what I need to do, food and exercise wise, so it is just a matter of doing it no matter what.
The thing about our conversation that had the most impact for me though was she told me, if I can't find what it is inside me that I want to keep going for, then keep going for her. WOAH, so if that isn't a kick in the pants I don't know what one is!! I know, especially if you read this blog, that you have some sort of connection to me or find inspiration by my story. I never truly connected that my "cheerleaders" can be my motivation to not quit. So in as much as I inspire and motivate you, I am using you all as my motivation. Now that is accountability!!
I am sure once I get my head back in the game and on track I will be able to find more goals to strive for and reach. For now though, I am going for you, because you see me as an inspiration and I don't want to let you down. I have gotten so many "you go girl", "keep it up" and other words of encouragement... so I am gonna do just that... keep it up!! One foot in front of the other, and soon I will be back running and inspiring more to join me
And just as another motivator to keep one foot in front of the other, I decided to get a new pair of running shoes to inspire me to get out there again and run! So here's to new motivation, new beginnings and new shoes!! :)
Monday, April 18, 2011
Shut your face!!
I go in spurts on writing here. I sit down and start writing a post but never finish it. Once I finish one though I get so inspired to keep writing and coming up with other ideas to write about. Maybe I should force myself to keep writing... maybe that will bring me more motivation to get back on track. :)
This past weekend was my first weigh in at boot camp in 3 weeks. I had missed the first 2 weigh ins because of work and illness. When I stepped on the scale it showed an 8 pound weight gain! It was so hard to see those number pop up on the scale that I had gained so much weight. It really goes to show how much just slacking off a little can affect everything. I was still going to personal training sessions once a week and boot camp 3 times a week and yet I gained weight!
Like I said in my previous post though I can not blame anyone but myself for the results on the scale. I think we tend to quickly point fingers to the things around us as an excuse though instead of looking at ourselves first. True, there are circumstances in life where we have no control over and we have to deal with it all anyway. No matter what though, we have to look at the hands we are dealt and deal with it. The way we perceive life and situations and the way we deal with it is more important than what we hold in our hands.
"Shut your face" is a phrase, that if you know me personally, comes out of my mouth on a regular occasion. It is usually said in a joking matter, and it makes people laugh. I however need to tell myself to "shut my face" when it comes to my excuses. Working out isn't as simple as it used to be and I have to push myself more to get results. I caught myself saying "its harder that way" when my form was corrected during boot camp. I try and justify eating crappy because I workout. I need to shut myself up and stop making excuses.
Today was my first day to get back on the "wagon". I packed my meals for the day and set off to work. I can not say that it was like getting back on a bicycle, it is more like running after a sabbatical. I knew I could eat my meals every 2 1/2 hours like I had done in the past but it was hard to push myself to make it that far. I did however survive my first day. I even pushed myself to work a little harder at my personal training session tonight, and the sweat on my shirt was a testament of my hard work. All in all it felt good to be getting myself back on track.
I by no means am a poster child for weight loss. It is hard, it sucks at times and it makes me wanna quit sometimes. I think though that through the hard times is when I learn the most. Its the times where I says "I wanna quit" is the time when I need to push myself the hardest. Its getting harder and it is going to keep getting harder for me to reach my goals. I just have to tell myself "shut your face, and big fat get over it!!" I will not achieve anything making excuses!
This past weekend was my first weigh in at boot camp in 3 weeks. I had missed the first 2 weigh ins because of work and illness. When I stepped on the scale it showed an 8 pound weight gain! It was so hard to see those number pop up on the scale that I had gained so much weight. It really goes to show how much just slacking off a little can affect everything. I was still going to personal training sessions once a week and boot camp 3 times a week and yet I gained weight!
Like I said in my previous post though I can not blame anyone but myself for the results on the scale. I think we tend to quickly point fingers to the things around us as an excuse though instead of looking at ourselves first. True, there are circumstances in life where we have no control over and we have to deal with it all anyway. No matter what though, we have to look at the hands we are dealt and deal with it. The way we perceive life and situations and the way we deal with it is more important than what we hold in our hands.
"Shut your face" is a phrase, that if you know me personally, comes out of my mouth on a regular occasion. It is usually said in a joking matter, and it makes people laugh. I however need to tell myself to "shut my face" when it comes to my excuses. Working out isn't as simple as it used to be and I have to push myself more to get results. I caught myself saying "its harder that way" when my form was corrected during boot camp. I try and justify eating crappy because I workout. I need to shut myself up and stop making excuses.
Today was my first day to get back on the "wagon". I packed my meals for the day and set off to work. I can not say that it was like getting back on a bicycle, it is more like running after a sabbatical. I knew I could eat my meals every 2 1/2 hours like I had done in the past but it was hard to push myself to make it that far. I did however survive my first day. I even pushed myself to work a little harder at my personal training session tonight, and the sweat on my shirt was a testament of my hard work. All in all it felt good to be getting myself back on track.
I by no means am a poster child for weight loss. It is hard, it sucks at times and it makes me wanna quit sometimes. I think though that through the hard times is when I learn the most. Its the times where I says "I wanna quit" is the time when I need to push myself the hardest. Its getting harder and it is going to keep getting harder for me to reach my goals. I just have to tell myself "shut your face, and big fat get over it!!" I will not achieve anything making excuses!
Thursday, April 14, 2011
True Confession Time!
If it weren't for boot camp and my friends encouraging me to keep going I really have felt the urge to quit all together. Because I am not giving myself 100% the scale is at a stand still which is frustrating me. I do have to admit though part of my not giving diet and exercise as much of a commitment as I have had before is because I do have a really special guy in my life whom I like to spend my extra time with :)
The eating part always has been a struggle for me. Portion control is a concept I have a hard time grasping, and usually do okay if I portion things out individually. If I go out to eat though or eat family style the concept of portions seem ridiculous and makes me feel even more hungry thinking about what food I might miss out on because my portions won't allow me to eat it all.
I have so many goals that I want to accomplish this year with my life and so far I have not made progress in achieving them. I find myself still struggling with finding who I am outside of being the "fat girl". I guess I still am afraid that by losing more weight I will become someone different than who I am. In as much as I don't want to fail at this, I am scared to succeed too. Always being the "fat girl" I know nothing else, so any progress made forward from here on out, I will be charting unknown territory.
I had a good talk with my friend and workout partner tonight after boot camp about my struggles. She and I both know I can do a lot better than what I am doing currently. I am the only one who can change it. In as much as I can put the frustration back on my personal trainer, health issues, boyfriend, food, it all boils down to my perception and my reaction to it all. So what am I gonna do about it??
We all fall down and run into obstacles in the road... its the getting up that counts. So I am getting back up again. I might be a little more bumped and bruised, but I am brushing off the dirt and tears and moving forward. I can not fix or take back the missed workouts or bad meals, I can just move on. One step at a time. This time I feel I am developing a good group of people around me that will help motivate, encourage and help me be more accountable. I want to reach my goals and even though it might take me longer than I anticipated I am not giving up!
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