O L

Here I am back on the blog... I thought of starting a new blog, about being a fat girl and not having to relive my "glory day" of previous blog entries.  The more I thought about it though, the more I realized I needed to continue this blog.  Weight loss is never an easy road, no matter which route you decide to take, it takes commitment, dedication and perseverance to stick with a plan.  Obviously I fizzled out when it came to perseverance last time... but as it is said, it doesn't matter how many times you fall down, its how many times you get back up... or whatever blah blah blah people say about not giving up.

O L... These are the letters that pop up on my scale when I step on it.  No matter what I do, weigh naked, or first thing in the morning, the scale looks back at me and says O L.  What is that supposed to mean!!  Obese Lady,  Oil Lamp, Ostrich Livers?!?!  It means OVER LOAD!!  Geez I have gotten to the point where my scale has resorted to "you got me man, your guess is as good as mine" when it comes to this fat girl stepping on the scale.  Sad part is my scale goes up to 350 lbs!

I look back and see exactly how I got back to where I started weight wise, plus weight.  Its strange how we all know what we need to do to lose weight but always have a reason why we don't!  We have free lunch at work almost every week, multiple time a week, and free lunches mean I have to eat more than my fill, right?!  I have a gym membership but its always too early, too late, too many people, not enough gas, not enough time, or wanting to spend time with my husband.  So I sit at home, eating whatever junk I want crying about how big my back side is getting and complaining that none of my clothes fit anymore.

Last week I decided enough is enough... I can no longer stand on the scale and see O L, I refuse to buy bigger clothes, and I can not buy the latest Oreo flavor no matter how cool it is!!  I have got to get my 350+ pound body moving and I need motivation.

So I started how I started last time... I went online searching for a personal trainer.  I chose not to go back to my old trainer, mainly because I feel like such a failure for not maintaining what I lost while working with her.  In addition, I need accountability and I need a trainer that will kick my butt and not be my friend.  I need someone who will push me to do 5 more reps past the point where I would quit and who would tell me to get over myself and keep going!  So I went online and filled out all the contact forms on multiple websites and waited for a response.  I was honest stating that I was extremely overweight but wanted to get started working out... wouldn't you know, out of the 3 training studios I contacted only 1 responded!!  So after a 10 minute conversation over the phone I set up my first training session for the next day.

When I arrive to the gym the next day, I am greeted at the air lock door by a "meat head", veins popping out everywhere and walking with his shoulders pushed forward.  He showed me around the gym a bit, it was full of weight equipment, only a few pieces of cardio equipment... not what I was used to with my old trainer who had a minimalist, mostly using body weight, open setup to her studio. After a brief introduction, the trainer had me start on the treadmill for a warm up and a little "get to know you" Q and A.  We discussed my workout habits, or lack there of, eating and a little bit of my work and stress.  Once I was warmed up the fun began!!  He ran me though an initial circuit of  25 squats, lat pull downs, bench press, and 1 minute on the stair mill.  After succeeding with the first round he said we were going to do the same circuit only he was going to time me... so I ran though the set again.  I could feel each muscle working and I knew with each squat how painful my legs were going to be afterward.  By the time I got to the stair mill I was wore out, I only lasted 20 seconds and I felt like I was going to pass out!!  I felt so defeated, not even 10 minutes into the workout and I was dying!!!  My legs were a shaky mess, my arms were jello and I felt like I had just run the mile!  Its horribly awful to realize how much fitness I had lost over the past 3 years of not working out, 3 years ago that circuit would have been nothing to do 3 even 4 times and I didn't complete 2!  After a pep talk and half a bottle of water, he made me do another circuit, minus the stair mill, I finished up on the treadmill.

Walking into the gym I immediately judged the muscular man as a dumb meat head and began doubting his ability to train me... after all I wasn't there to be a body builder, I was there to lose weight.  As I began working out though, he was quick to correct my form, and stern with directions.  I began to see, he really had my best interest in mind when he pushed me to keep going.  Walking out of the gym after my 20 minute, start to finish, workout, my jello legs barely got me to my car.  I went home and collapsed in my bed but I felt in my mind that this is the start of a good change!!  So once a week for the next 12 weeks, I am committed to getting my butt to the gym... because I am paying someone to push me to do just a little more!

Here goes nothing... and hopefully some weight too :)

Giving up

A while back I had an impromptu meeting on my trip to Target.  I ran into my old personal trainer.  As you all might have guessed or if you have seen me, I am pretty sure I have gained my weight back that I lost 2-3 years ago.  As I saw her I wanted to hide but there was nowhere to go. I was waiting to get “the look”… anyone who has battled their weight know what I am talking about, that disappointed mother look, people give you when they see that all the weight you is now back, it is horrifying to see people give you that look and frankly it makes me want to lock myself away.  She however did not show me “the look”, she asked about my life and invited me back to join the classes.  She might have been giving me the look in the back of her head but from what I could tell her reaction to seeing me was not in disgust of my weight gain. 

As  time went by, working 2 jobs, money problems, keeping up a relationship, engagement and marriage, job change, and then my own disappointment and embarrassment of my weight gain held me back from keeping up with working out.  I went on spurts here and there with going to the gym and working out with friends but after a few weeks getting up at 6 am was no longer appealing, going after work was when everyone went to the gym and I felt embarrassed by my size.  So now I have 2 gym memberships (one I get absolutely free from my job the other I pay for) that I never use, an elliptical that sits in a storage unit, and running shoes that I am too saddened by to even wear them to go shopping in.  I turn down social opportunities and many of the people I once went out frequently with don’t even talk to me.   I don’t even want to get involved in things and have distanced myself from my church family because I feel bad about myself.

On May 11, 2013 I married the best thing that has happened to me.  It will forever be one of the best days of my life.  My life since marring JJ has been nothing but amazing and I love him more and more each day.  My husband is the most encouraging person, who wants me to be the best I can be.  He has been encouraging me for some time now to get back into working out, not because my weight bothers him, but because it bothers me.  He remembers how much better I felt about myself when I worked out.  I had a purpose and something to do instead of sit around and sulk about being fat. 

           In an effort to set myself back to a reasonable path, I decided to step on my scale.  I stepped on it a few times before my wedding but when my dress fit fine and I had all the support wear to hold together the hoover damn it was one of the furthest things on my mind.  When I stepped on the scale I was appalled that I am smack dab back to where I started.  As the tears came to my eyes I couldn't help but wonder how did this happen.  I was so bound and determined when I lost my weight to never see the 300s again but here I am back to where I was.  I know exactly how I got here.  I never intentionally gave up, but making excuses ultimately was what brought me back to where I started.

           So now what?  I guess that is the question of this whole blog post.  Now I have to decide what is important to me.  It isn’t about fitting into size 8 jeans, or hitting a number on the scale.  This fight is about my future.  My husband deserves a healthy wife to live out our old age together, my future children deserve a happy mother who can be involved with them, not just sit on the sidelines, and I deserve to feel good about myself.  I am not willing to go into further debt to make this happen, so going back to the personal trainer is out of the question at this point in our "baby step 2 Dave Ramsey get out of debt plan". I don't think that money should be my deterrent to getting healthy. I just have to decide, am I worth the effort.   It isn't going to be easy, it never was easy before.  It is time for me to choose, do I continue to give up or do I start fighting for me again... 

Its time!

This past week at my second job I had a conversation with my new manager about the things I have done in the past fitness wise.  I told how I had run in a hand full of 5k's and finished a half marathon.  Then flipped though my phone for the picture I had when I finished my half marathon.  When I saw a picture I took of myself on 9/4/11.

It was astounding to me how much weight I had gained in just the span of a year!  I had been telling myself for this past year that I had only gained a little weight, maybe 30 pounds tops but in actuality it was double that!  I tried to deny the fact that I was gaining weight even though I continued to not workout and eat crappy.  This picture was my wake up call!  I need to get myself back on track or else I was going to be more and more miserable with myself and how I failed!

Recently a Planet Fitness was being built in my city and at my primary job they offered us all free memberships the the new club... (one of the amazing perks of getting a new job where the employers care about their employees!) One of my co-workers discovered on Friday that the club was finished and was opening its doors!  Then Sunday night I received a text from another co-worker inviting me to workout at 6am.  Morning workouts would be the best for me, especially with the 2 jobs, but I never kept up any consistent effort and I gave up after just a few days, so needless to say I was skeptical with an AM workout. Having the invitation and accountability of the co-workers I see on a daily basis, I reluctantly said I would do my best to be there.

This morning a little after 6 am I had my tired body on the elliptical working out next to a co-worker.  30 minutes on the machine had me huffing and puffing but I finished!  I have a ways to get back to where I was but I am on my way!  Another 6am workout is scheduled for tomorrow with my coworkers and I plan on being there! I really want this habit to stick!

I remember how confidant I felt when I had lost weight and I want to feel that again!  It is not about a number on the scale or the size of pants I fit into... Its that feeling when I can be in public and not feel self-conscious about if my belly is sticking out or if my shirt is covering my big ol dairy-air... I didn't have to make sure in picture I was hiding in the very back and holding my chin up so I didn't look like I had a double chin... I smiled with confidence and wore my shirt tucked in.  Its time for me to feel that again!  Especially feel that way on my wedding day!  124 days until I walk down the isle... 124 days to find the inner princess I seem to have lost this past year under pounds on weight gain... The rest of my life to keep that inner princess alive and confidant!!

I am in!!

This is my year... It is time to take control again... no more excuses of not having enough time, too tired or whatever.  I am getting married on 5/11/13... My goal is to look and feel amazing!!  No number or size goal just to feel amazing on my wedding day!  Lets do this!!

Do I matter...

I struggled to write this out today but I have to be real about it all.  This is my reality and how I view what has transpired in my life over these past several months.  I gave up on my journey.  I am sure if you have read this blog in the past or just now reading this you can see that my infrequency of updating and my last few blog entries talking about my 'glass half full' meaningless attempts to get back on the wagon, I have not accomplished anything.  In all actuality I have failed.  I think I gave up on my journey long before I admitted defeat.

So where am I today... I have stopped working out with my personal trainer, which in my opinion, she gave up on me as well as me giving up on myself.  I haven't worked out since my last workout session with the trainer and I am sitting in front of my computer only 37 pounds less than when I began nearly 4 years ago.  I give the excuse that I don't have time to workout, when in all reality I never really look for time to workout.  I make small efforts to "get back on track" and keep up an image of what I used to be by walking every now and again during my breaks at work but nothing more than that.  The pass card to my gym stares me in the face daily as I get in my car, hanging from my rear view mirror taunting me of my failures.

So my question to myself today is, am I worth it, do I really matter.  Sure I have 2 jobs and online classes to keep up on but if it were something that truly mattered to me I would find the time.  Do I really want to find the time?  I chose to spend my free time with my boyfriend or just sitting around the house watching movies while my laundry is being done. I know all the right answers, what to say and who to say it to but it doesn't matter because I am the only one who can make myself get off my ass and do something about it.

I feel kind of like when I was back in school and all I did was complain about being fat all the time.  I did nothing to control my eating and never really worked out.  It is a complete no brainer why I got to be 329 pounds.  Why do I find it to be such a mental struggle to get up and do what I want to do? I get angry at myself when I see my reflection in the mirror and see that I have fallen back to where I used to be.  Did I really learn anything the couple of years I spent losing weight or was it all just for vanity, to find my mate, and now that I have him I don't care anymore.

Do I matter, the question is yes.  Now it is up to me to decide how much my weight and health matter to me.  I could just be blowing smoke up y'all butts, and mine for that matter, but its make it or break it time.  Am I going to keep beating myself up about what I have failed to keep as a lifestyle or get up and do something about it!!

Today I am going for a walk, tomorrow I have no idea but am ready to stop seeing myself as a failure and to begin succeeding again.

My Reality

I had not planned on stopping writing on this blog nor had I planned on being in the spot to where I am today but we all have set backs, but its how we respond to the set backs that makes or breaks the situation.  I have thought on many occasions about updating the blog but alas I did not want to have another post were I was admitting I was failing.  I like to keep it all upbeat and having a positive outlook on things but I have been struggling this past year on keeping that up.

My reality today... I weigh 275 pounds, I no longer fit into my size 16 jeans, my size 18's cut into my stomach so much, creating a muffin top even spanx can't fix!  It is hard to admit to myself that I let my guard down and slacked on my discipline but my pants don't lie.  I have a few select clothes I can fit into these days because I had given away or sold my old "fat" clothes. 

At the end of July I picked up a second job at Target and worked there for 2 weeks.  I was then offered a job at Vitamin Shoppe, which was where I first applied when looking for a second job, and I quickly jumped at the chance and quit Target to work at VS.  I just completed my 90 days at VS and am totally enjoying working there and learning a ton about vitamins and supplements. 

Since picking up the second job though I put on almost 10 pounds!  From working 10 hour days at my primary job to then leave there to go directly to my second job for an additional 4 hours, it greatly limited my time.  I still continue to workout with my personal trainer on Mondays but that was the only time I was able to get any exercise in during the week.

A month ago in an effort to take charge of my finances, I moved back home with my parents when my lease termed on my apartment.  These past 6 months have been a lot to deal with.  On top of my 2 jobs, and moving home I still had to find time to fit in some quality time with my amazing boyfriend. 

In the past few weeks I have begun to feel like I am getting a rhythm juggling all the things I have going on right now.  It took me a while to adjust to everything but I finally feel like I am in a place where things make more since and I don't feel dead dog tired at the end of the day.  As I began to resurface to reality, the reality of my weight started weighing really heavy on me.  I do not want to go back to where I was, in my weight or in my life. 

Today I took the first step into getting back on track... I joined a gym.  The gym is 24 hours and close to both were I live and work.  So my re-start plan is to go workout in the evenings after I get off my second job on Tuesdays and Thursdays.  In as much as the idea of working out in the mornings before I start my first job is ideal, the reality of me actually getting my "not a morning person" booty out of bed that early is pretty far fetched.  So I am starting at a place where I know I can do it!  Then as I begin to incorporate exercise back into my daily routine I might find another place to interject more fitness.

My reality today...  I weight 275 pounds.  My reality for tomorrow is I am going to do all that I can to not make that number go any higher and start going in the right direction!!

lessons in life!

After months of struggling with everything I have begun to lose weight again!!  Whoo Hoo!!!  I realized when I wrote my last blog post that I still had a lot of things to learn about along my journey, obviously, as my weight had climbed back up to 270 pounds!  Over the past few weeks I have come to many personal conclusions. 

I realized after the death of my cousin that we really only truly have one life to live and it is up to us how we live it.  This began to relate to other aspects in my life besides weight loss, to also include my finances.  Now I admit I in the past I had been diligent about money and so forth but in the past 2 or so years I had thrown a monthly budget out the window and, as long as I had money in the bank, I felt I was doing ok.  Slowly it became easier to 'defer' payment for instant gratification with a credit card.

I was forced to sit down this past month and seriously take a look at my finances after, a thought to be set plan, was prematurely adjusted at no fault of my own.  I sat down and had to go back to each penny spent, categorize, and justify the need.  After many revisions of my budget I began to realize the error of my ways.  I have a lot of knowledge of how to create and stick to a budget but the knowledge does not good if the information is not applied and the numbers put on paper to show the true cash flow. 

In the same way, these past 2 and a half years have expanded my knowledge of fitness, exercise and diet.  However, what I have learned does me absolutely no good just sitting in my brain, it has to be applied.  So I have begun to bring more strict regiments back into my life. 

As of today I am back down to 259 and back on track to losing 100 pounds!!  I can also say that having a tight budget has greatly aided in bring my eating and diet under control too. :) I will not be able to keep all the luxuries and things I have had in enjoyed the past. I have made the decision that to continue paying for boot camp classes is not allotted for in my budget, and have begun a search to get a second job to help pay off my debts faster.

It is amazing to me how easy we can cast aside the things we think we have "all under control".  This past month has been a hard lesson in the fact that nothing is ever under control!!  BUT I am getting on track again with my weight loss and finances and am heading in the right direction.  I am thankful that it isn't too late and that I have an opportunity to really turn things around and plan for a much better future!! 

Truth...

Its has been a rough journey lately.  A while back I had downloaded a calorie tracking app on my phone but had not really used it honestly.  Last week I began to track my food and realized, although I was making 'healthy' decisions I was eating a lot more calories. I though I was consuming around 1200 to 1400 a day when in actuality it was closer to 1700 to 2000!! 

In a way I feel as though I had given up on this journey.  I talk a good game and can tell you all exactly what I need to do but when it came down to it, I didn't follow through.  Yes, I workout 4 days a week regularly but my eating and exercise discipline outside of my structured personal training and boot camp is not there.  I have a million excuses to give but it all boils down to the fact that I don't want to do it.  I tried running the other day and for some reason felt ridiculous running down the street and gave up, turned around and went back home.  Although I can say with some prompting from my friend and my mom, I did sign up and walk the Hog Jog this year again, for tradition sake.    

My boyfriend is a great support... almost too good of a support.  He loves me at my current size but ultimately he just wants me to be happy.  I don't want to be one of those girls who constant looks for acceptance in a relationship over her body size but I want to be confident in who I am and how I look.   I am thankful that he understands my struggle with my weight and he does what he can to help me and make me feel better. I am truly blessed to have him in my life.


I recently experienced the death of a cousin that really had me examine things in my life.  Although exercise and eating right are important in life, in the end, it doesn't matter the hours spent in the gym or how many salads I ate... its about the people who have been affected by my life.  My cousin was only 38 years old but the stories and lives that had been touched by her smile and kind heart fill way more than 38 years. 

I say this all the time but this time it is different, I am not giving up... I have been set back, I have gained weight, but I am going to persevere. I don't want this slump to keep me down.  It is going to be a slow process to get back to where I was before and it is going to take honesty and dedication to not give into the temptation to throw the towel in... so these first few steps back on track are for my cousin Kim.

back to basics

This week as I pondered over all the things going on in my life I began to notice a trend.  I don't know if it is just me but I tend to over think and over complicate things.  My weight loss is a perfect example.  At the beginning I was exercising and keeping myself accountable for what I ate.  I lost weight and I was happy and proud of it all.  As time went on I listened to podcasts, read books and watched shows about tons of weight loss crap hoping to gain more knowledge.  So me being the complicated person I am, I took a simple 1+1 equation and began adding tons of variables making it a complete mess.

I am not saying all the variables I tried adding aren't important.  At this point in my journey though I think I need to get back to the basics.  Its like I began focusing on the variables and not the actual task at hand.  I need to get back to remembering 1+1.  All this math reference is giving me a headache! :)

It is hard for me to say I have to start back back at the basics.  I have accomplished a lot in my weight loss so far but I feel I have forgotten some of the fundamentals that are the foundation.  I can say, I am not starting at square one and I am going to keep a positive outlook on it all.

 
So its time for me to stop sitting on the bench and spinning my wheels.  Tomorrow starts a new month June 1 and that is a new beginning.  The number on the scale is a fresh start it doesn't matter what I have accomplished or failed in the past.  There is going to be some changes I have to make and I can't do it all the same as I did before because my life is different than it was before.  I just have to keep it simple and put one foot in front of the other. 

"Its not over until you win!" Les Brown

Make it a great day

My senior year of high school I took a psychology class and at the end of every class my teacher would say something like "make it a great day and do something positive". I struggled a lot in school with a negative self image and depression, to hear, make it a great day, seemed foreign to me back then. 

It is amazing to me looking back on my life and see the things I feel I could have changed.  The more I reflect on it though, the more I realize, those battles, struggles, and defeats are what has molded me into the person I am today.  There is always going to be those thing in our lives where we say "I could have done better" but we can't change what has been, we can only look forward to what will be.

Although it is still a struggle, I am starting to get my groove back.  I have had to revamp my schedule to allow time for all the things I enjoy. I am getting my eating and food back on track. 

At the finale of the last boot camp, my weigh in showed an 8 pound weight gain in 6 weeks.  I am not gonna lie, I was really upset.  I shed a few tears of frustration but my friends and boyfriend rallied around me and helped me look beyond my current circumstance and see my future potential.

Today, I chose to make it a great day. Each decision is a choice to do better than I did yesterday.  I chose to not focus on my weight or any numbers pertaining to my size.  The decisions I make today will be to make today more positive and not to try and make a more positive day in the future.  I will not allow the scale to determine my success or failure. It is my choice to chose success or failure no matter what the circumstance in front of me. 

So make it a great day and do something positive!!

Step by step

I have been working on staying on track and have found that I still have to constantly remind myself to keep going.  Quitting would be the easy thing to do at this point.  With each step forward though, I feel like I am gaining some confidence back. 

I went for a run in my new shoes last week and felt pretty good.  In my workouts I have been trying to step it up a bit and push myself to not stop during my exercises. When I went for my run last week there as another runner running the same route as me.  I felt a little disheartened when he passed me a second time going the same direction as me.  I had to remind myself though that I have all you guys motivating me. It doesn't matter that the other runner was twice as fast as me, all that matters is I had my butt outside and I was doing it.

So many times I compare my journey to the people around me.  This person lost more weight than me and that person is losing it faster than me.  But this is my journey and by comparing myself to what others have accomplished will only hurt me.  I can only compare myself to myself.  I know what I have accomplished and what I can do to improve.  I am fighting my way back into the race and running to make a difference. 


By the way, I have yet to get on the scale to check if I have gained or lost any weight.  It stresses me out a bit but I need to just focus on making healthy decisions and not let the scale determine my success in the decisions I make. 

Thanks everyone for your support, and motivation. I will not let you down, I promise!

P.S. I have had some inquiries about being able to get an e-mail showing when I update my blog.  I have found a way to do that so if you are interested there is a link on the left side of the page where you can enter your e-mail address.  There will be an e-mail sent to your inbox and once you confirm your e-mail you will receive a direct e-mail with my updated blog posts!  Feel free to share with anyone whom you think my story will help motivate and inspire.   

What is my motivation?

Why am I working on losing weight? I used to say its because I don't want to be fat.  Although I am still big, I don't necessarily see myself as fat anymore.  So why do I want to keep going? I am not satisfied where I am at and I know that I have so much more potential if I keep going, I just have to find my "why". 

After having a conversation with my trainer about my lack of motivation she gave me some advice.  First, get rid of my scale.  That number many times hangs over my head and putting that number in my face every week is not encouraging me to keep going.  So I put my scale under my bed.  Even though I didn't get rid of it, I have put it in a place where I can not easily jump on and check myself.  Next, I know what I need to do, food and exercise wise, so it is just a matter of doing it no matter what.

The thing about our conversation that had the most impact for me though was she told me, if I can't find what it is inside me that I want to keep going for, then keep going for her.  WOAH, so if that isn't a kick in the pants I don't know what one is!!  I know, especially if you read this blog, that you have some sort of connection to me or find inspiration by my story. I never truly connected that my "cheerleaders" can be my motivation to not quit.  So in as much as I inspire and motivate you, I am using you all as my motivation.  Now that is accountability!!

I am sure once I get my head back in the game and on track I will be able to find more goals to strive for and reach.  For now though, I am going for you, because you see me as an inspiration and I don't want to let you down.  I have gotten so many  "you go girl", "keep it up" and other words of encouragement... so I am gonna do just that... keep it up!! One foot in front of the other, and soon I will be back running and inspiring more to join me

And just as another motivator to keep one foot in front of the other, I decided to get a new pair of running shoes to inspire me to get out there again and run!  So here's to new motivation, new beginnings and new shoes!! :)

Shut your face!!

I go in spurts on writing here.  I sit down and start writing a post but never finish it.  Once I finish one though I get so inspired to keep writing and coming up with other ideas to write about. Maybe I should force myself to keep writing... maybe that will bring me more motivation to get back on track. :)

This past weekend was my first weigh in at boot camp in 3 weeks.  I had missed the first 2 weigh ins because of work and illness.  When I stepped on the scale it showed an 8 pound weight gain!  It was so hard to see those number pop up on the scale that I had gained so much weight.  It really goes to show how much just slacking off a little can affect everything.  I was still going to personal training sessions once a week and boot camp 3 times a week and yet I gained weight! 

Like I said in my previous post though I can not blame anyone but myself for the results on the scale.  I think we tend to quickly point fingers to the things around us as an excuse though instead of looking at ourselves first.  True, there are circumstances in life where we have no control over and we have to deal with it all anyway.  No matter what though, we have to look at the hands we are dealt and deal with it.  The way we perceive life and situations and the way we deal with it is more important than what we hold in our hands.  

"Shut your face" is a phrase, that if you know me personally, comes out of my mouth on a regular occasion. It is usually said in a joking matter, and it makes people laugh.  I however need to tell myself to "shut my face" when it comes to my excuses.  Working out isn't as simple as it used to be and I have to push myself more to get results. I caught myself saying "its harder that way" when my form was corrected during boot camp.  I try and justify eating crappy because I workout.  I need to shut myself up and stop making excuses. 

Today was my first day to get back on the "wagon".  I packed my meals for the day and set off to work.  I can not say that it was like getting back on a bicycle, it is more like running after a sabbatical.  I knew I could eat my meals every 2 1/2 hours like I had done in the past but it was hard to push myself to make it that far.  I did however survive my first day.  I even pushed myself to work a little harder at my personal training session tonight, and the sweat on my shirt was a testament of my hard work.  All in all it felt good to be getting myself back on track. 

I by no means am a poster child for weight loss.  It is hard, it sucks at times and it makes me wanna quit sometimes.  I think though that through the hard times is when I learn the most.  Its the times where I says "I wanna quit" is the time when I need to push myself the hardest.  Its getting harder and it is going to keep getting harder for me to reach my goals.  I just have to tell myself "shut your face, and big fat get over it!!" I will not achieve anything making excuses! 

True Confession Time!

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                         I suck when it comes to eating healthy!   I did really well for a while on follow the eat clean diet until I went on vacation.   Since I have come back though I can not seem to get myself motivated to jump back on board. In addition I have also seem to have lost motivation to really push myself with working out.

If it weren't for boot camp and my friends encouraging me to keep going I really have felt the urge to quit all together.  Because I am not giving myself 100% the scale is at a stand still which is frustrating me.  I do have to admit though part of my not giving diet and exercise as much of a commitment as I have had before is because I do have a really special guy in my life whom I like to spend my extra time with :)

The eating part always has been a struggle for me.  Portion control is a concept I have a hard time grasping, and usually do okay if I portion things out individually.  If I go out to eat though or eat family style the concept of portions seem ridiculous and makes me feel even more hungry thinking about what food I might miss out on because my portions won't allow me to eat it all.

                                                                                                                                                                      I have been eating out a lot more too.  Partly due to the new man in my life.  I can't blame him for it though because there are always healthier choices to chose.  Also I could chose to eat the lunch I brought to work instead of running to one of the many near by fast food joints for a fat laden, processed meat, throw some lettuce on it and call it healthy, lunch!!

I have so many goals that I want to accomplish this year with my life and so far I have not made progress in achieving them.  I find myself still struggling with finding who I am outside of being the "fat girl".  I guess I still am afraid that by losing more weight I will become someone different than who I am.  In as much as I don't want to fail at this, I am scared to succeed too.  Always being the "fat girl" I know nothing else, so any progress made forward from here on out, I will be charting unknown territory.

I had a good talk with my friend and workout partner tonight after boot camp about my struggles.  She and I both know I can do a lot better than what I am doing currently.  I am the only one who can change it.  In as much as I can put the frustration back on my personal trainer, health issues, boyfriend, food, it all boils down to my perception and my reaction to it all.  So what am I gonna do about it??

We all fall down and run into obstacles in the road... its the getting up that counts.  So I am getting back up again.  I might be a little more bumped and bruised, but I am brushing off the dirt and tears and moving forward.  I can not fix or take back the missed workouts or bad meals, I can just move on.  One step at a time.  This time I feel I am developing a good group of people around me that will help motivate, encourage and help me be more accountable.  I want to reach my goals and even though it might take me longer than I anticipated I am not giving up! 

Boot Camp?!

Today was final weigh in for the boot camp I had been doing.  An hour workout, 3 times a week for 6 weeks.  At the conclusion of the holiday boot camp I was pretty frustrated with my results.  I had gained weight and inches!!  This time I had told myself that I was going to be the winner of the next boot camp.

I started my nutrition journey to get myself back on track and heading in a good direction.  I have been doing pretty well with sticking with the plan.  I did slip up here and there... again with the Reece's, this time the hearts instead of the pumpkins :).  Not to mention free pizza!  But I have to look at the positive.  Overall I am really satisfied with my nutrition.  My body has adjusted well and it has been good knowing exactly what I am putting into my body.  When all I eat is whole foods, that don't come in plastic, cardboard or have nutrition labels, I know exactly what I am consuming.  There is no question if the apple I am eating contains added sugar or high fructose corn syrup, its an apple, pure and simple. Now I could go on a huge tangent about processed foods but I will leave that for another day.  All I can say is that I am ecstatic with where this nutrition journey has taken me.  Not only has my energy improved, I feel less "foggy" and I have even noticed an improvement in my skin and nails!

Last boot camp my friend Lori won and I told her that I was going to win the next one!  This time I said from the beginning that I was planning on winning this next boot camp.  We had recruited more co-workers to join in the new boot camp so the competition was on!  There were 6 of us from my job who decided to step up to the boot camp challenge. 

I even met new friends in boot camp.  I joined up with a girl, Jackie, who is more fit than me and who challenged me to work harder.  We teamed up this time around and I really enjoyed laughing and joking around with her as well as having her to motivate me to keep going and not slack off in my workouts.  Others in the class also motivated and inspired me to push just a little harder... and I in reciprocation tried to bring a little smile and comedic relief :)

Through the 6 weeks of boot camp we all encouraged each other and kept one another accountable.  At work we would discuss our nutrition and workouts.  It was great to have others around that knew how torturous doing a full minute of burpies or mountain climbers were and who could also share in the struggle of staying on track with nutrition.  We shared in the doubt of the effectiveness of our habits in conjunction with our weight loss and shared in the celebration of each weigh in that resulted in a loss on the scale. 

Today was the culmination of 6 weeks of hard work.  We all stepped on the scale, got our fat pinched and had all our measurements taken.  It was the point were the true results came to light.  We had done weekly weigh ins each Saturday but the number on the scale only shows part of the results of the workouts.  After all, isn't losing inches way cooler than losing pounds??  So I guess its time to get to the results.... drum roll....

Over all, the 6 of us girls who work together lost a total of 49 inches!!  The picture is of us co-workers after our workout today, minus one who had to leave.  I am so proud of everyone, because they all worked really hard and the inches don't lie!  I won first place with a total of 14 pounds lost, 16 inches down and a loss of 2% body fat.  My co-worker Carla came is second with 10 pounds lost, 8.5 inches down and 1% body fat. 


As a result of coming in first place I am able to participate in the next 6 week boot camp, starting next Saturday, for free!!  Through the awesome results of my co-workers and the spreading of the word about boot camp, we already have more co-workers joining us for the next boot camp!!  I might even have some more friends join me too!! 

Even more exciting than my own results, it makes my heart smile knowing that others around me have been inspired to start their own journey.  It amazes me to think that making one decision to better my life, fighting for and sticking with my decision has catapulted and inspired so many other people to make that decision too!!  I am no one special but if through my journey I can motivate and inspire others, every drop of sweat, every tear, muscle ache, and every time I wanted to quit but kept going, is worth it!!!

I will survive

I have finished 2 weeks of my nutrition plan!  Yeah!!  I have to tell you, I feel amazing!  I can not tell you that I am not craving foods or have been totally 100% on it but I am doing pretty darn good if I say so myself. 

The first week was not the most pleasant.  I discovered on day 1 that I don't particularly like sugar snap peas!  But because of the way I plan my meals, eating the same thing for the whole week I had to eat them the rest of the week.  Although Thursday of that week I discovered if I separated the peas from the pod and ate them separately it was much more texturally pleasing.  My sugar craving was pretty intense for the first 3 days and I was pretty groggy and crappy.  However waking up on Friday I felt like a totally new person, rested and ready to take on the world!

When it came to getting ready to plan the next weeks meals and grocery shopping it quickly became evident I didn't plan as well as I though.  Although the menu was a great plan it had tomatoes, avocados, and fresh berries.  As most of y'all know avocados and fresh berries are not the cheapest out of season and tomatoes just taste gross out of season!  After my last post I had a few friends mention to me the eat clean diet and they talked about how great the plan was.  So I took a trek to my local Barnes and Noble and plopped down in a comfy chair with the eat clean books.  After reading through the book and perusing the cookbook I purchased them both.

The next weeks meals were more budget friendly and still healthy.  I was skeptical of the authors suggestion of bee pollen in my morning oatmeal but I gave it a shot.  With the addition of the bee pollen and flax seed it was not all aesthetically pleasing as the end result resembled a bowl of stone ground mustard!  It does have a funny taste but I got used to it pretty quick and it isn't too bad now.  First snack was chicken and green beans, lunch chicken over romaine lettuce and a squeeze of fresh lemon and half a sweet potato, snack pear and protein shake and dinner was suppose to be baked cod with steamed bok choy and half a sweet potato.

I have discovered, after keeping a log of what I eat and what times, I don't eat in the evenings.  I do really great during the day, my meals are all planned out, every 2 and a half hours. I drink plenty of water. When I come home though my 5th meal falls right when I workout.  After I workout the thought of food is not appetizing at all.  And with fish being my last meal I couldn't make it too far ahead and I don't really feel like cooking in the evenings after working all day and a workout... (Oh the wonderful life of being single, I don't HAVE to make dinner). :)  So this week I am going to focus on getting in food in the evenings. Especially after a workout because it is really important to get protein and nutrients in after a hard workout. 

So overall I have stuck with the plan.  Today at lunch there were pop-tarts on the counter at work and I was tempted to get one... I don't even like pop-tarts!  So the sugar cravings aren't completely gone but it is easier to resist and think about the positives I am doing for my health and well being!  Oh and positive part too, in the 2 weeks I have been eating healthier I have lost 13 pounds!!  Whoo Hoo!!  2 weeks down... the rest of my life to go!!

diet is just die with a " t "!

I have known for quite a while that I needed to get my eating on some sort of track.  I make relatively healthy choices but portion control is something I don't have a good grasp on.  I am a sucker for sugar too, as you can tell by my earlier posts and the subsequent failure to comply posts :).  My problem is I don't want to go on a "diet".  As a former fat girl the word "diet" meant eating nothing, cutting out main food groups or only eating one kind of food!


I know everyone has their own idea of what diet works... trust me, over the past 2 years of my journey I have heard that I need to do this diet or that diet, cut this out or put this back in blah blah blah!!  I am not out for a quick fix, obviously, I am looking to make my life healthier! Which means whatever nutrition plan I am choosing has to be sustainable for the rest of my life.  No injecting myself with hormones, only eating 500 calories a day, or cutting out carbs. 

I think over the past couple of weeks my google investigation skills were put to use.  Searching pro's and con's of different diet and eating plans.  Looking at research and results.  Ultimately though, there is only so much searching and investigation before you have to just make a plan and jump in.   So this weekend I made a plan, went grocery shopping and today was day 1.  In the same concept that I am on a weight loss 'journey' not an exercise plan, I chose not to call this a "diet" but more a nutrition plan. 

I currently have decided on a pretty much all natural, back to basics nutrition.  Fruits and veggies, with beans, nuts and lean meats.  No processed foods, breads or pastas and no added sugar.  I already concluded that I wanted to cut out excess sugars and I have read and heard more and more about gluten intolerance.  I am by no means an expert about any of this stuff but with having personal gastrointestinal issues myself I thought it wouldn't hurt to try.  So here goes nothing!!

I chose a 21 day nutrition plan but modified it to fit my lifestyle.  I consider myself a relatively busy person with a full time job, workouts at least 5 evenings a week and also active in my church.  I find it easier to use my weekends to power cook, cook enough food to last me the entire week, so I don't have to worry about what to eat and I have one less excuse to not go out to eat.  So instead of a 21 day nutrition plan I am converting it to 21 weeks.  That way I can purchase and cook a multiplied recipe of a meal to last the entire week instead of 42 separate meals.

So this week my meals consist of:
quinoa, blueberries and peanut butter for breakfast,
10 almonds and pear for snack,
lamb lettuce wraps with plain Greek yogurt for lunch,
10 sugar snap peas and apple for snack, 
Salad with black beans and real guacamole for dinner,
10 grapes for snack.

I survived day one... the no sugar part is really hard right now.  I didn't get coffee because I can't drink it without sugar.  I saw a commercial for caramel Hershey's kisses while eating my lunch and I felt like I wanted jump through the tv and get one.  I found out I don't like sugar snap peas.  Something about the texture and taste I don't like, but I have 50 of them left for the rest of the week so I will just suck it up and eat them. :)  So far I have enjoyed everything else. The lettuce wraps are really good, and surprisingly enough, breakfast is really tasty too! 

I can tell my portion control had been way out of whack.  I scheduled to eat my meals and snacks 2 and a half hours apart and I kept checking the clock to see if it was time to eat again!  It is nice though to have a plan I can stick with instead of just cooking a bunch of whatever and putting it in the freezer.  I know my body will soon adjust to the portion sizes and it won't be so bad.  I am going to give this nutrition plan 4 weeks then re-evaluate from there.  I am really excited to begin this next step on my journey and look forward to the rewards and benefits of filling my body with more whole nutritious foods.

Year in review

With the New Year I did a sort of year in review. I initially looked at my weight loss and was pretty disheartened when I discovered throughout the entire year of 2010 from January to December I lost a total of 8 pounds! At one point this year I had reached the 90 pound weight loss mark only to gain some back.  The year prior I had lost 60 pounds and to only lose 8 pounds following that  honestly really made me want to just say "screw it all!!" 

I had signed up and participated in my personal trainer's holiday boot camp in effort to get me back on track and keep me more accountable in my workout consistency.  It was a great 7 week program, 3 times a week and I always left sweaty and feeling like I had a great workout.  My final weigh-in for the boot camp however did not produce the results I was hoping for, not only showed a weight gain on the scale but also a gain of 8 inches!! 

In the spirit of staying positive I had to look at what else I accomplished in 2010. I ran and finished 4 5K's, one 2 miler, and a half marathon!! Not only that but I have also dropped 2 jean sizes, and only lost a total of 8 pounds!!  Almost just as important though is that my journey has inspired others around me to start or continue their own weight loss/health journey. 

The last half of 2010 was such a struggle with the passing of my grandmother, family illnesses, not to mention my own illnesses. What I can say though is I didn't give up. Yes I wanted to quit, yes I slacked off, yes I beat myself up, yes I felt like a failure BUT I didn't quit, I never failed, and I can't go back and change what I didn't do. 

A friend who has recently embarked on her own weight loss journey (and might I say she is totally kicking butt) brought out her old jeans to show just how much progress she has made. So I dug through my closet and pulled out my old jeans I was saving for the time when I get super skinny and I can do the "biggest loser weight loss fat pants, skinny body" reveal!  I put them on and it really opened my eyes to everything I have accomplished these past 2 years.  It surprised me that putting the pants on physically not only showed me my weight loss but it showed me my mental progress too.  Almost like putting on my old fat pants was like momentarily, mentally putting back on the 68 pounds and re-inserting the "fat girl" personality. 

This past year I think was a lot of personal discovery for me.  The first year in my weight loss I spent  most of my time establishing the habit of working out and working hard.  After the solidification of the habit then it was getting the rest of me in order.  Growing up always being the tall, fat girl I had to change my mindset.  I can still be Emily without the personification of the "fat girl".  I had to convince myself it was ok to not be the "fat girl" anymore, and had to have a sort of parting of ways between the fat girl and the new me I am discovering.  I have no pictures, physical or mental of what I, as an adult, would look like in a smaller size (except I know I would be ridiculously good looking :) )  So I had to work beyond my fear of the unknown and just keep working.

So what about 2011... Well, the numbers results of 2010 were nothing astronomical in the progress of my discovery.  But the things I learned and am learning about myself can not be quantified.  I think 2011 is going to be a bringing together of my dedication to exercise and strength to keep discovering who I am and begin bringing in nutrition as I know that is an integral piece of the puzzle.  I can't help but be giddy when I think of what is to come.  I am learning through this process, even though it has taken quite a bit of time, the finish line or ultimate weight loss goal, is not what matters but it is the journey and the lessons learned in between the start and finish.  

The Best is Yet to Come!!!

Did I get on the wrong wagon?!?!

So I haven't updated in quite a while... not that there hasn't been anything to update on!  As I have reflected these past 3 months it has been a whirl wind and it makes me think "what have I been doing?!".

In a nutshell back in October when I ran the Tails and Trails 5K I was hit on the eyelid by a bug or something.  When I brushed it off I felt a small stinging sensation but didn't think too much about it, after all I was running in a race.  As the week following progressed my right eye began to swell where the bug hit me and I soon looked like I had been in a big ol fight!

It took 10 weeks but finally after 4 doctors, multiple antibiotics, steroids, and ointments and I finally have my eyelids back to normal! They never fully concluded if it was the bug that caused all the mayhem but was told it was a stubborn case of  blepharitis and staph infection.

Because of being on all the medications, steroids, lack of exercise and crappy eating, I ended up gaining around 20 pounds!  Not what I wanted to do.  After all I was on track to try and get to my 100 pound weight loss goal by January 1, 2011.  I felt like I had gotten on the wrong bandwagon and didn't know it!  Isn't my weight and health suppose to be getting better not worse?!?!

I knew I wasn't going to reach my weight loss goal by the end of the year and the whole no sugar thing... well that went out the window real quick!  Yes I admit it, I am addicted to sugar!!  So I had to sit down a re-group.  I have invested so much emotionally this past year in my weight loss and after hitting a plateau and now weight gain I was feeling pretty down on myself.  After losing almost 60 pounds the first year I started losing weight, to now spending the entire second year working hard and managing to lose 30 only to gain 20 back it was hard for me.

BUT I had to look at more numbers than just the number on the scale.  I was still consistently loosing inches.  After gaining 10 pounds in one month my personal trainer still measured a 2 inch loss in my waist.  I have gone down 2 almost 3 pants sizes and I can tell I am gaining muscle mass and tone.  So honestly all was not lost.  I had to start looking at my numbers differently.  Its not just about the number on the scale.

November 20th I began participating in my personal trainers boot camp.  We workout 3 days a week for an hour, we sweat our butts off and work hard.  In addition, one day a week I workout personally with my trainer one on one.  So I am getting 4 days of hard workouts in.  It would be so incredible to say I lost a ton of weight starting this but then I'd be a liar.  But for the first time this week after we started the scale moved in a direction that I liked... in 5 weeks of boot camp and getting my diet back on track (not quite back to the no sugar yet though :)) I lost 3 pounds this week!!

I am getting back on the right wagon... no more pitty party, I feel bad for myself, I'm a failure blah blah blah.  I am starting off 2011 strong.  I can not compare 2010 results to my 2009 results nor will I look back on 2010 and have it dampen my 2011 expectations!  I am stronger than I think I am, I have accomplished more than most people dream, and I am not finished!!!  The best is yet to come!!

Now you all have to keep me accountable... I will be coming up with my goals for 2011 and no matter what, I will always strive to do my best to look for the positive in my situations.  I have started studying for my ACSM personal training certification and am looking forward to what the future brings.  Lets all start today in making 2011 better than 2010!

Plateau?!

Ahhh the dreaded plateau... the frustrating number on the scale that hasn't moved in the past few months.  When I initially started out I thought it would be amazing to reach 250 pounds.  After starting at 329 it just seemed like a good number to shoot for.  So now I am 249 and stuck! :)

I shouldn't be beating myself up so much since I have lost inches and have gone down a pant size even though the number hasn't changed.  But every time I get on the scale the number doesn't change.  Although 2 weeks ago the scale showed a 10 pound weight loss until I realized my battery in my scale was dieing and after replacing it I was back at 249! :)  

I was discussing my frustration about my lack of weight loss with my personal trainer 2 weeks ago.  Even though I have come so far and losing 80 pounds I am having a hard time losing more weight.  Mentally, I can not even imagine what I would look like losing more weight.  I am at the point where I am the same size I was my freshman year of high school!  So in my mind I don't have an image of me being smaller.  She suggested I create goals to try and achieve to help motivate me.  I still haven't completed my list but I have divided my goals up into weekly, monthly and long term goals.

My weekly goals are
Weekly
  workout after work before watching tv or internet
  workout a minimum of 30 minutes
  no snacking between meals
  no added sugar
  be positive

Monthly
  Lose 10 pounds
  create a vision board of what I want to achieve
  Read a positive/motivational book
  Try a new workout
  buy now goal jeans

Long term
  under 200 pounds
  run 5k under 30 minutes

I have to come up with some more long term goals but this is getting me started to try and get my mindset changed and get me off this plateau!